brimsd: (Watch us tango)
Jordan's dad died earlier this month. We spent the end of April and the beginning of May in Canada. It wasn't fun, as you can imagine. We made it back home only a few days ago.

Things are... I don't know.

My birthday's tomorrow. I don't even know what I want or what I want to do. Other than something that isn't sad which really doesn't narrow it down much.
brimsd: (Bastard)
It occurred to me when I was out getting groceries today, that my life has been wtf crazy the last two years with no signs of stopping. Technically it all started in 2010 but it was late 2010 so the two year thing still holds.

Late 2010, I got off work at the island and moved back downstate for the winter. I had plans of returning to work in '11 but we know how that turned out. My older sister, whom I've been very close to most of my life, lost her freaking mind. I can't word it more delicately than that. She is insane. Period. Yes, she's in therapy and getting help and it doesn't make her a bad person. It just made her a bad person to be around. The negativity and toxic environment it created caused me to move out abruptly in the middle of the night late December.

I have my own problems with chronic depression but I am no where near the level my sister was and still sort of is. She became delusional, self-destructive and pulling 13 year-old girl shit. I'm not going into all the crap she did. Bottom line, I was afraid to leave my room and that's no way to live. It was like living with a time bomb. It started to push me into my own depressive state because, well, not leaving my room except for work.

Anyway, good news is my sister is doing better. Not back to how she used to be before that break but better.

So, when I moved out I moved out to my grandma's old cottage on a lake. I had spent the last three months cleaning five years of neglect. My grandma couldn't live alone anymore and went to live with my aunt. '10 I asked if I could clean the place up and stay there. I was told sure, as long as I paid the electricity, heat and keep the place from falling over. The place is very old and never really meant to still be standing. I lived there almost a year. It was my first real 100% on my own place. I had previously always lived with someone else.

It was a lot of work and I had to work on adjusting to living alone. It was surprisingly easy that is, until Milo got sick. Milo was my cat I had had forever. He was 1, deaf and lost his fangs. He adjusted to lake just fine but cancer caught up with him a few months later. We had known about the cancer for years but it wasn't something that could be operated on. I took Milo's death hard.

A few months later my other cat, Lala, died of kidney failure. She was 18. At this point I was a mess. I was getting tired of losing pets. I ended up getting two young cats. Nemo, who I got in May a few weeks after Milo's death and Little M I got after Lala's. Little M got his name because he's creepily like Milo. Creepily.

Amid all this, me and Jordan had been working on getting married and tackling immigration. Lots of paper work. Speaking of paperwork -- Unemployment. It took me nearly five months for them to give me my backed unemployment. I was running on empty moneywise. I borrowed a couple thousand from my mom.

Then, of course, job hunting. That can be a depressing endeavor on its own. Because I had moved to the lake I decided not to return to the island to work. There was some family related drama behind this and my sister. I would have to stay with my sister if I went back. Hahah no.

So, job hunting sucked. A lot. I got only a small handful of interviews and no job to show for it. BUT I was finally getting back to work on comics because hell, I had the fucking time. I was getting my portfolio back together and planning to sent sample pages off when the bottom fell out again.

I was woken up by a phonecall early in the morning. It was my mom. My uncle had cancer. My aunt wouldn't be able to take care of Grandma anymore and it was bad. So I decide to go with my mom to see my aunt and uncle and grandma. I drop my cats off to be catsit and off we go.

On our way there we get fucking rear ended. It was terrible and previous entries detail that. Fucking what the hell. I was driving and this person did come out of no where. So we don't make it to my aunt's until the next day and we're just a bundle of nerves and keysmashyness. My mom is worse than me. But through all this I offered to take care of grandma. I didn't have a job to speak of and I hadn't even gotten to send any sample pages off yet.

Everyone was pretty much, wait what? Then the more they thought about it the more it made sense. The only other options were a home or sending her to CA. If I took her she could go back where people know her. We couldn't go back to the cottage though. Instead I ended up finding an apartment. I've never gone apartment hunting before but I snagged a good one. Seriously.

Now, my grandma is 98 and still has all her facilities she's just a fall risk. You can see why I didn't want her in a home. I know it'll be hard when she dies. Anyway. The transition was... fast. It was also difficult. For awhile I was the only one taking care of her until we got aides set up. If you've never been someone's primary caretaker without a break, you'll go a little insane when you finally GET a break. And I did.

Good kind of insane but still.

To top off this tale, Jordan's dad also has cancer. He's terminal. He has anywhere between a month to six months. Me and Jordan just got married and immigration doesn't want him leaving the country for a year. We filled out the paper work that will allow him to leave. We got it expedited and we can only hope we get a reply soon. Because we are not staying here when his dad starts to go. We are going to Canada and we are going to be there.

Then back to my uncle, his cancer has spread and he's also terminal. It's in his brain, bones and lungs. We don't have a time estimate yet but with how fast he went from a cough(Sept '11) to this. It doesn't look good. We should hear more on him today.

I've been living here with my grandma since about October. Once aides were brought in and Jordan and I got married... things became so much easier. We both have the time and space to work on art. Of course this is loaded with drawbacks. It's a lot like having an infant. Someday are really easy and leave use with spare time. Other days are full of scares and stress and oh god stop being stubborn and drink the damn prune juice grandma.

For the moment, room and board is covered in exchange for being here with her and looking after her. I don't really get paid. Well I kind of do. I get a 100 dollars a month of my very own! ...which is not really a paycheck. But I also have a set amount of money I can use for food and anything Grandma needs which is way more than 100 dollars.

now, I'm thinking I can finally get back to doing comic work again and maybe finally get my sample pages off. I'm also going to do more commissions I think. Just so I have a little extra money to myself.

So that's my life so far. I wanted to write it all out again because I have a hard time believing it.

And I even left some parts out.
brimsd: (Default)
It's moved to my uncle's brain.

I... was going to say more than this but I can't right now. I'm still circling back around that sentence over and over.
brimsd: (making bondage fun again)
RP and Smut -- I haven't gotten to play much of it lately and those that I have started I lose interest in quickly. The problem often is if I already know how it will end I get bored quickly. Especially if my partner wants to work out the ending. I'm okay with vague but we can't work out emotional states until we're done unless you don't want me to tag anymore. I prefer starting something and not knowing just how it will end even if this means retcon in a game. Which is sad because I have a few that could turn into something but they're... sadly predictable for me. When I can predict the next five responses from the person i'm playing with... I might as well go back to fanfic.

I have some preferred kinks I want to play. They're all on the harder side of things. When I do find someone to play them with it usually gets dropped just when it gets good. I rarely pursue it and ask for tags after a week or two with no reply. Maybe I should but when it comes to my more extreme kinks I do not want to pressure anyone. So I lose a percentage of juicy threads to lost notifs. In that regard -- it's not my job to remind you. That's your ballpark. If you have a bad system for checking replies? I'm not babysitting our threads. The only time I announce tags is if we're going fast boomerang style and aim is open. Otherwise, no.

So, a lot of my problems are my own making but not without reason. If I'm bored with a smut thread I've learned it's not worth it to power through unless I know I'm playing with someone who will throw me a curve ball. I don't like constantly reminding people to tag something. I lose out on threads where things were actually forgotten about. Bottom line is -- if you're not that eager to play I don't want to keep going anyway.

It sucks for what I want to do. Sucks more that I somehow end up mentoring people with RPing BDSM stuff which is fun in itself but I don't see much of a return. I don't always like that I'm good at it because I get this empty nest thing when they leave. If I don't have someone I can teach or someone I can play off of regularly, I feel like I'm missing something. This, of course, sucks when I suddenly get the urge to play smut. I don't particularly like doing the 'who wants to smut' plurk. Not because I'm not interested in who replies but because I don't like to play favorites. Honestly, Yes, I do favor certain people because they are consistently fun but that's no reason to rub it in everyone's faces. Sometimes I just want one smut thread, not 20, so I have to choose. I like the people on my plurklist even if I don't want smut with every one. But this is a double edged sword because I also like to play with new people and sometimes that's the only way to get connected.

I sometimes adopt the policy of letting them come to me. It doesn't always get me what I want but it does ensure the threads last longer.

I'm hot or cold on smut memes. Sometimes there is one I like but I don't see any characters who've posted that I'm remotely interested in. Sometimes I get lucky, but not always. I've just given up on some memes just because even when I tag around I only get one or two replies, max. Once in a blue moon I'll get something that makes it 20 comments.

It does make me wonder if maybe I just suck at this. Then I'll have people who claim they stop because I'm such a good RPer. I'm sorry, even if you mean that, it's a load of BS. I. don't. care. I appreciate that you want to keep my interest or whatever but you can't keep my interest if you don't fucking reply.

so there, have a minor rant.
brimsd: (Real friends break into your house)
I just...

It hasn't been a good day at all. I've been trying to work and each time I sit down something happens. Our aide won't be coming this evening again. Which... it's always stressful since I get the most work done in the evenings. Neither of us slept well. I had really hoped having a drink last night would help but it didn't.

and now I come back to this entry hours later and it still sucks.


I'm exhausted.

Faintly wondering if there's anything else I can do for my game tonight but haha yeah. tired.

might just go to sleep.
brimsd: (making bondage fun again)
Sometimes I'm in a lot of pain and just want to complain. The weather is not kind to me right now and neither is my body. I had to splint my wrist again today because the painkillers are barely touching it. With the splint it keeps me from moving it in ways that hurt and let's me sleep without waking up because I bent my wrist and it hurt.

It sucks because it's the same hand I draw with. On the upside, the splint sometimes improves my art. Helps with sweeping strokes and all that.

Yesterday grandma choked again. I made soup today and lots of other soft foods. I don't like how often she's been choking. And I do not want to put her on a liquid diet, the doctor agrees. It was difficult to get her to eat anything after the choking yesterday. Jordan bribed her with breakfast for supper.

We have to be even more careful with her food. I'm worried that she'll die because of choking and not in her sleep like I kinda of expect. It's a valid concern which is why she never eats alone. It terrifies me that certain sounds from her will wake me from a dead sleep.

With Jordan here I've been able to sleep normal hours instead of my insane 3 hours of sleep at a time thing. I'm actually able to work again. It's been so long since I've done any art just because.

Today was easier aside from the oh god pain I'm feeling. I have some serious unfun pain in more than one place. I only mentioned the wrist because that's the worst right now. I have some other shit acting up that I'll not go into much detail about. Dyshydrosis is doing a number on my hands on top of that. so fuck everything.

On the brighter side, I did all the apps for OD. So I can concentrate on actually playing and doing my NPC responses. If I don't fall asleep first.

I know I'm not the fastest person in the world but I'm trying to stay on top of my NPC stuff and announcements and things. I think I'll know by the end of this month if I really need/want more mods. If the game stays in 20-30 played characters range I might be able to get by with just me. Any more than that and I wanna push my Mod Application more. I have one app in there and I'm seriously considering it.

ATP is this weekend so we'll see what that brings for my little fledgling game. I am sorta proud of how its doing so far. I really didn't expect this much interest. I figured I'd get maybe six people. Shows what I know, I guess.


And fuck everyhting I want to play Rush again. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
brimsd: (Default)
I go by Brim but I still sometimes go by Silver which was my very first fandom handle. I'm 27 years old and married. We currently take care of my 98 year old grandmother. I've worked as a webcomic artist and did get published once or twice but it was all small time stuff. My primary occupation is art but that doesn't always pay the bills so I often take survival jobs so I can continue doing what I love.

I started a new art blog on tumblr and it's found here [tumblr.com profile] brimbutt and I have a newish DeviantArt account [deviantart.com profile] brimsd I have another DA account but it's full of my really really really old stuff and I haven't touched it in ages. It's kind of nice to have a fresh start now and then.

Art wise I'm trying to rebuild my portfolio as I've lost a lot of stuff and quite frankly I've improved beyond my original portfolio that I'm only keeping four pieces from it.

I like RP and I always have. I've been around in a few different games on LJ with lots of different characters but few places really stuck. I like to RP in very open environments where character's actions affect the world they're in. I like doing plots and running them. I've done Moderation on LJ and but I took almost two years off.

[community profile] outer_divide is my first foray into a game that is 100% mine. Where I made the concept and run the majority of it. Because of that... I'm kinda picky about co-mods. I haven't picked any yet but I am seriously considering who I want. I do have a mod application up for anyone interested. While I may not choose you I really appreciate everyone willing to help. Right now I'm holding off on that decision until I have a good idea how big the game will get. If we stay under 50 played characters I think I can handle it solo but if not? I'm kidnapping someone to do my bidding. I mean... um. No, that's what I mean.

Anyway some other things about me... I like cats and have two. I like almost everything sci-fi though I have a love/hate relationship with some of it. I enjoy video games of the espionage variety and mystery and most games in general but I'm kinda terrible at horror games because I startle too easily. I still like them but I rather watch someone else play them. I'm a sucker for mindless action movies and espionage movies.

With fandom stuff, I kind of ship everything. From the canon ships all the way to some crazy wtf slash they never appear in the same scene pairing. Het, slash, it's all good. I really hate ship wars because... usually I like pairings on both side of the war. I sometimes play out ships in RP but not always. It depends on the type of game I'm in and the type of character. I really like crosscanon stuff that happen in panfandom games.

I'm a twisted mother fucker when it comes to smut. I can play simple smut but I have more fun with kink. I understand not everyone is into that kind of thing so I'm sometimes hesitant to suggest it unless someone seems interested. I do have a few things I'm not into but I save that for another time.

I used to write fanfic but haven't in quite awhile. I sometimes get a random muse and write something up. Currently the random muse happens with Nikita but I haven't... shown any of it because it's mostly terrible BDSM Nikita/Michael or Nikita/Birkhoff/Michael and believe it or not I'm slightly embarrassed. If it was something that happened in RP I would be fine with showing but for some reason because I wrote all of it I'm suddenly bashful. I don't know how that works and I've never had that problem before. AHEM. Anyway.

I'm a strange person.
brimsd: (Bad Daniel! Don't lick that!)
[community profile] outer_divide is scheduled to open next Thursday, March 1st. Which is awesome. I'm a little nervous about it in the same way I'm nervous about showing off new pieces of art. I think it will be a good thing for me. I've had the story kicking around for awhile and I wasn't sure where to put it. It should work well as a game.

Anyway. On the Real Life front. A recap of this month so far has been... not the best but not as bad as it could be. My Aunt died of ALS early this month. My Uncle(unrelated to that aunt) has aggressive cancer and it's... still uncertain. As some of you may remember my uncle getting cancer prompted me taking on my 98 year old grand mother. She lives with us and is in generally good health but it can be tiring. Like today, our usual aide called in sick and the replacement couldn't be here for an hour. This kind of thing has happened before and I'm... sadly used to it but it throws me a bit off my daily routine. Not terribly, it just means I need more caffeine.

I got the middle of the day as far as taking care of grandma is concerned and I sometimes take a nap after the aide arrives in the morning so I'm just lacking in that hour long nap. Not a big deal just all heeeeey I wanted to use that hour. Anyway, grandma is a little bit like having a child only she doesn't fuss or scream or suddenly run around the apartment screaming and pretending to be Superman. She has a fixed schedule she usually keeps to so that makes it easier to plan my time for work and fun.

I got married last month so things are a bit easier as a whole because there are two of us and we can trade off everything but the personal care stuff. If grandma needs help in the bathroom or with clothes that's my job. Jordan can help with everything else though. That is a huge relief because it has been very hard. I'm good at it but it's hard. Not hard in what I have to do but it's hard in terms of mentality. Not everyone is cut out to be a caretaker. It can be nerve wracking, especially if grandma chokes. It's happened twice since she's been here and only once did we need to assist her. Believe it or not that's an improvement. Her jaw has shrunk and her teeth don't fit that well. So that coupled with the natural weakening of the throat muscles as you age...? not so awesome. I'm just real careful about what I feed her and how finely it's chopped. ilu chopper machine.

One thing I don't like about this is I occasionally have to lie to her. She tends to fixate on things and warp herself out of shape over something minor. So I've lied to ease her mind, like she thought a bill was 500 dollars when it was actually 200 dollars. She would not listen when I told her it was less than she thought so I gave up and told her that the insurance took care of it. The thing here is she hasn't been the person in charge of her money for a long while. I'm not even in charge of it. I get a grandma allowance to buy anything and everything she wants or needs while the other bills are handled by a Aunt Jean and my mom who have the power of attorney.

My role is to be the person here to take care of her. In a way I'm paid to be here in terms of room and board. My job isn't to look after her money beyond what I spend directly on her behalf. I have a folder filled with receipts for everything a buy each month. End of the month I add it up and average what I spend on what and send that off to my aunt. The reason we gotta do that is we are in an government assistance program and we need to show them what we spend her money on. It's to prevent fraud so I don't mind. It also helps me keep track of how much we're spending in general with our own money as well as hers.

The situation here is a bit difficult but we caught a huge break here. I have time to work on my art and comics again which is what I really want to do.

I guess that's all for now.
brimsd: (Like a ninja)
So hey, kids. How about an update.

Busy end of the year then right on into the new year. I got married on the 21st of January. We currently take care of my 98 year grandmother full time.

RP land decided to blow up as my life decided to change. Not really complaining. I'm kinda glad to be hanging out on Dreamwidth now.

Speaking of that, tonight applications will open up on [community profile] outer_divide. A game I had originally thrown together on LJ but decided to move to DW when I realized I did want to actually open it.

Jury is still out on whether it'll be hit or not. Could be flash in the pan but I'm hopeful. I'll advertise where I can and see if I generate any interest.

I could still need help in moderation. I have a mod application open in the mod journal for anyone interested. You don't have to even know me to apply.

In the meantime I'm using my husband as interim help with applications. He doesn't play on DW or LJ but he's modded his fair share of games. He also works for a company as moderator on forums and MMORPGs. If no one else offers to help mod wise. I might resort to straight up asking people if they can do it.

Anyway that's what's up.
brimsd: (Bastard)
How I deal with CR in RP games.

I have some very strong opinions about this and I know no everyone will ever agree with me fully. But lately I feel like I need to voice it, especially so people understand why I make the in-game choices I make. I have a couple guidelines I follow almost religiously.

In sex games and adult games, I do everything in my power to avoid getting the characters I play in closed relationships. If I can find a canon reason to avoid it I will. If I can't...? Well, honestly that character gets dropped sooner or later

I have no problem with monogamous relationships, I'm in very devoted one in RL. RP is not RL and closed relationships in-game(PSLs are different) bore the ever loving fuck out of me. Likewise limiting the character's partners to only a select few. I don't like it because of the vibes it sends to other people as well as it limits CR severely. I base this off what I would do or feel if I played potential CR for my own character. This isn't true for everyone but it is for me. I am less inclined to play against a character in a closed relationship, not because all I think about is sex but because it lacks room to grow. Now, you can argue that it still has potential, and it does.... except for one little thing related to me. I absolutely do not like to play competing for affections of someone between two characters. I have been in that situation in RL and it has never ever been fun for me(even if I "win.") I feel like absolute crap at the end. That's not to say I didn't attempt it in RP before, I have, and each time it isn't any fun for me and makes me feel like shit. So, I don't play that shit out. If it's IC for the character? Well, there's a big chance I will not keep that character if I can't handwave or find an IC way around it. There is no reason I should subject myself to something I don't like in what I do for fun.

There are exceptions, but the key is it has to be fun for me and it has to feel like I'm not locking out potential new CR.

For example, Ba'al can be picky about his partners and be very possessive. What I've done with him is played on his own insecurities to keep me out of playing a closed relationship. What I did with him is: It means more if the person comes back to him even after going to someone else. Because that says to his ego(the most important part of him) that he is something they can't get anywhere else. Ba'al likes to feel important and that makes him feel more important than forbidding them from seeing other people. Then how I deal with his possessiveness is pretty simple, if he's decided he likes someone, if that person is ever hurt or slighted by anyone for any reason, Ba'al comes down hard. Possessiveness isn't all about keeping someone to yourself after all. It can manifest in over-protective reactions to someone tripping the person he likes. As in, if you tripped his girl, he's going to end you.

Things get more difficult with someone like Michael but at them moment there is no Nikita in the game and his canon point is of a semi-break up. Ngl, I would adore to have a Nikita in-game again. I already figured out a way to deal with it when it comes along. A way he can be completely devoted to her without preventing him from branching out CR. Sex is more difficult issue which is why I made him a werewolf. As a werewolf, when it nears the full moon he has very very little control over his instincts and can be more easily worked into a sexual situation. This doesn't mean it has to happen but the option is there so I don't feel trapped. That's the point really. I don't like feeling trapped in CR. I don't like limiting myself. If I feel trapped or limited... I usually end up dropping the character.

Kadin was designed with these preferences in mind. So, when I get to play him it's no trouble for me. He may end up with a favorite person to spend time with but he's willing with everyone. Unless they've violated a few of his rules about life or are a bad Dom. Then he won't like you. People taking advantage of their submissive without consent makes him ill and resentful of the person responsible.

I know I have a very complicated view of the characters I play and their relationships. Ba'al and Kadin are the most complicated and I could break the character limit just talking about one or the other. There's a ton of little factors involved that makes every situation fluid but the bottom line is... I won't play any relationship that makes me feel cornered or like I've just cut a bunch of potential CR.

I can do and enjoy devoted monogamous relationships but I'd keep those in PSLs than in a game I'm playing in. It is when there are so many other characters around and so many options I can't do it.

Likewise I don't like sticking to my canonmates. I will avoid letting my character move in with his canonmates if I can avoid it. Obviously, if they have a bff i'm cool with it but if there's a big cluster of canonmates living together in an apartment or something, I avoid it. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy canonmates when I get them but if we're in a panfandom game... I don't want us all clustered together in one place. I have no problem with a small handful living together but if 90% of my cast all lives in the same house I find a reason for mine to live somewhere else(which isn't hard, most of mine don't like crowds unless they're clones).

One of the key things with that is if I'm in a panfandom game, I did not app for a cast. Period. I don't join games for casts. I used to and it always let me down. So I join for the game. If I like the game I stay. If there is a cast, awesome, but I refuse to let them be my entire CR. Again, I would love to have full casts... but I'm not kidding myself here. I want casts who don't depend on me for all their CR because I can't do that, I'll go out of my way to have my character to encourage your character to meet others(Or in the case of Ba'al, manipulate you into interactions outside the cast.). But if all you want to do is play with me... a PSL would be a better idea. In-game I can guarantee that I will let you down because I seek out CR outside my cast so I can't spend all my time only with my cast. The bigger the cast is, the more I push for outside CR for my character.

so, that's... pretty much everything I felt like talking about.
brimsd: (Default)
Let's start with Saturday, that's a good place to start isn't it?

Okay. So I now live with my 98 year-old Grandmother. She gets aides in the morning and evening. I'm scheduled to leave Saturday so I can go to London, Ont. meet up with Jordan so we can get ready for the train at the crack of dark the next day.

Yeah so, the aide we had scheduled for that day? She doesn't show up. In fact, she QUIT at 7am that morning and she was supposed to show up at 8am. Naturally, I was a little upset with this. Anyway, I call my mom to come over and help with Grandma because I did NOT sleep well that night and my original plan was to take a nap after the aide showed at 8am. I was going to sleep for another three hours before I had to leave. Obviously, that didn't happen.

Finally we get things figured out and I shove some food in me while I work on my Unemployment paperwork. Those of you never on employment may not fully appreciate having to account for every place you've applied to work for for the past three months after you ALREADY ACCOUNTED FOR THEM on their busted ass website. So I was doing it on paper so those fuckers couldn't shaft me again(for the third time, no less). Anyway, get that as done as I could get and signed a bunch of fucking paper work. Shoved some food in me. Shoved some clothes in my bag. Shoved my laptop in and started off on my fucking 4 hour drive to London.

Rest of that night was fairly uneventful aside from me being so completely exhausted I couldn't make words happen when I got there.

So. Sunday
Wake up at the crack of dark. That is to say around 6am. Drag our busted asses to the train station and get on a train for Toronto so we could then go to Montreal (fucking Montreal).

So we get on the motherfucking train and do the motherfucking trip. Part of the way we had a drunk/sick sleepwalking weightlifter sitting near us. He was.... entertaining to watch.

We get to Montreal. Find a hotel. Eat at this fucking awesome gourmet pizza place. Wood fired stove and a fancy marble bar and these ostridge skinned bar stools. I drank by beer a little too fast and was all <3 at everything. With all French being spoken around me I had this urge to start speaking Spanish. I didn't but damn it was tempting.

We drag ourselves back to the hotel to die for the night. I attempt to take a bath while a little buzzed and Jordan kept laughing at me. Probably because I was taking my bath like a four year old and splashing the water around like an idiot.

Moving on, we get ourselves to bed at some point.

Around 11:50 we hear this very polite fire alarm in the hallway. Like almost a full second between sounding. I'm naked at this point so Jordan checks it out. He returns and said the told him it was a false alarm. Alarm stops. We start to fall back asleep.

A few minutes later our polite alarm returns. At this point I had put some clothes back on. We check on things again. This time there is the smell of smoke AND the fire department. Over the intercom a very bored sounding fireman said "This is the fire department, there was a small incident. It has been taken care of. Please return to your rooms. Thank you." well, actually it was said in French first but both versions sounded bored.

We lay back down again. A few minutes later the fire alarm goes again but it only lasts two alarms before it's cut off mid alarm as it got shut off.

I don't recall if I slept much. We had to get up at 7:30am the next day.

Monday
We drag our dead asses out of bed to go to the U.S. Consulate so Jordan can get his motherfucking Visa. We show up around 8. There's already a line out the door. Oh, and we couldn't bring cell phones, other electronics, weapons or pretty much anything other than our paper work. So we get past security without getting felt up or strip searched. Next we get to go to the 19th floor and get a number, C33, and they're just now doing C10. So, yeah. awesome.

There are some vending machines there so when I started to get hungry (a few hours into this) I went to the snack machine. Where we swiftly find the machine is broken. Someone is informed and they come back with an out of order sign.

All told we were there 7 hours. Only machine we could get to work was the soda machine but I really really needed something else. Re: Blood pressure problems. But here's the kicker if I left, I would not be allowed back inside. If Jordan left he would forfit his place in line. so we're both getting increasingly grumpy. We started taking bets on what number would be called next. It wasn't always in order. Because you had to be seen three times. First to give your paperwork and finger prints then you go back and wait more. Then they call you again ask for more stuff then you sit back down.

We didn't get to the third and final part until around 1:30. By this time we have missed our Hotel check out time and our train to return home. Awesome right? We are the second to last people who are seen. The place was almost empty when we left.

During our waiting around we discussed ways to break into the broken vending machine. However I was without my multitool as it is a weapon so I would be unable to take the glass off the thing. Because we both watch way too much Survivorman and would do it the non-glass breaking way. Anyway, our attention soon turns to outside because we're kitties. Lots of pidgeons to watch, including a white one. I named him Steve.

There were lots of people on roofs around there and we began to give them voices. Still don't know what the fuck this guy was doing with this rope and no tools on one of the roofs. He was our favorite to watch, then a friend joined him. They did a lot of talking and and playing with the rope and throwing the rope over the side of the building then discussing it some more then bringing the rope back and idek what they were doing.

There was also boobies graffiti on the side of a building. We enjoyed that in a "hee hee boobies :B' kind of way because we're adults.

Then we made up a story for the daring moped gang we saw parked below us. They're badasses who spend their time outside the Timmy's being all rebellious with their... coffee.

So upon our freedom and Jordan gaining his visa(it took five minutes once it was our turn) we are locked out of our hotel room, tell them we need another night because haha no way we're traveling after feeling like we'd both been run over by a truck. We acquire our room for another night and learn out first night was free, re: fire. So awesome.

But then we have to get new train tickets which... isn't so bad. It's that or leaving at 4pm and it was already almost three and we both look like death warmed over and we both were limping. Jordan's back and my left foot.

So last night was the first night we got to relax and we did so by sitting in the bed and both dicking around online we also watched a bunch of Botchmanina because nothing is funnier than seeing pro wrestlers screw up.

Tuesday
The alarm goes off around 9am. Our hotel alarm is very polite, much like the fire alarm. It's like it's saying, "Excuse me.... Excuse me.... get up, please... Excuse me...'

We eat Timmy's duoghnuts and carry on our adventure.

We get on our train without incident and are currently still on it and nearing Toronto so we can switch trains and go back to London.
brimsd: (SGU hallway)
Well, kids. This is where we're at.

Last week I learn my uncle has cancer and it has progressed fairly far already. He and my aunt have been taking care of my 98 year old grandma. Obviously they can't do that anymore. In a moment of selfless insanity, I volunteer to take care of grandma. Aside from her age, mentally she's intact. None of us can stomach putting her in a home when she's all there upstairs.

Today, we found a place me and grandma can live and is handicap accessible and all those good things. We go at the crack of dark tomorrow to finish all the paperwork.

But let us back up to last week, shall we?

Last week, me and my mother decide to drive they six hours to my Aunt and Uncle's for moral support and to help with grandma while we brainstorm. We leave Tuesday around 5pm and get REAR FUCKING ENDED around 10:30pm that night. We finally make there the next day. Thursday, we find out something else. My cousin Jenny, who would most likely be helping me with my grandmother... well, her 90-something grandfather died and another one is in the hospital. I'm not too upset about her not being able to help me, I'm like WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK WHY IS ALL THE SHIT HAPPENING THIS WEEK.

To make things more complete Jordan's dad, isn't doing so good. There isn't much to do since he is terminal but fuck.

MEANWHILE, I have two complicated application forms to fill out that are unrelated to all above issues. One of them is proof of income and assets for immigration. That is for Jordan to come to the US and we can get fucking married finally. The other application/form thing I gotta fill out relates to unemployment and those of you who've read my journal for this past year will know this very well. Me and unemployment have a long history of fighting with each other until they finally pay me. They had, once again, claimed I was not entitled to any money. We got it straightened out again but so much more paper work to fill out. I want to shoot someone.

Oh, and one of my cats is sick.

Funtimes.
brimsd: (Default)
And then we're right back where we started.

Things got worse after my last little post. I experienced four mental breakdowns in the course of two days. Seven if we count the times I threw the phone across the room, the PS3 controller across the room and when I almost tossed my laptop across the yard. Protip, I don't usually throw things, ever.

Because the method of recovery I use, I feel the need to explain.

First of all, the cause of this most recent crazy deals entirely in the land of real life. It was triggered by the date. I have been officially unemployed for a full year. Add other stresses contributed and it did not end well.

Key point here, I'm recovering from this mess. Downside of this is how I often need to recover. See, in my current state, I experience what I like to call one way empathy. Other people's happiness makes me sad, other people's misfortune makes me sad. I literally can't win. On that same note, my self esteem and ego does some crazy shit. I will believe I am worth something and what I do is great BUT I also believe no one else thinks that. That no one likes anything I do no matter how great I think it is. No matter how aware I am that this isn't true, I have a hard time believing it. I seriously feel like the kid picked last on the playground. For everything. I know none of it rational but the feeling is still there.

The troublesome thing about this, these feelings will extend themselves to RP and online friends. To keep myself from doing something stupid while I'm still in this relativity fragile state, I take a step back from everything. Especially places like plurk. These feelings are especially dangerous there because I find myself incapable of being happy for anyone. Instead I feel bad because I'm not happy and I feel left out. And as I said, on the flip side, I can still feel sad for other people! So I'm screwed no matter what I do. What is also frustrating is when I feel left out when I'm like this I honestly don't know if it's true or not. No matter how rationally I look at it, I can't tell. So, this brings me back to stepping back. If don't, these feelings will fester and I will get worse. I may also cause damage to friendships because I suddenly won't feel appreciated or I feel like I have to compete for attention. Both things make me really snippy that can lead me to say some very mean things.

I also realize I don't need to explain why I need to disappear from social networking sites for a few days. But this is partly for me. Explaining it and laying it all out for everyone to see and understand helps me. I also believe it helps prevent misunderstandings about what I do or don't feel.

I don't know how long I'll be stepping back. Maybe just another day or two, maybe a week. I don't know. I will probably still RP in this time but only a few threads that don't have any negative effect on my stupidly fragile mood. It's kind of hard to say which ones they'll be. As it stands I can be inspired for something but emotionally be unable to follow through because it will inexplicably make me feel bad (seriously, this makes no sense but it happens.). Meanwhile the one thread I might be able to tag is something horrible like a (non-sexy)torture scene or something. I really don't know until I try. It's pretty obvious when I find one that works because I'll tag really fast. I usually have better luck with PSLs when I'm like this but I sadly don't have any fucking ideas who to play with or what kind or scene to do.

Anyway, moving back to my not so awesome emotional state. Just because I'm feeling these negative emotions about everything doesn't mean I hate anyone. I hate that I'm feeling the way I do. I hate that I know there's nothing I can do but wait for it to go away.

I'd also like to put forth a warning. I may not be fun to talk to right now. So if you see me online and IM me... uh, I apologize in advance. I know I won't be biting peoples heads off(at least I hope not) but... yeah. Not the life of the party but at the same time I feel bad if I don't talk to anyone. I mean, my god, what the hell brain.

So, let's review the crazy...

Breakdowns, depression, recovering slowly, having trouble with the happy, only RPing a little, will take time, IM at your own risk.

I guess, we'll see how long this lasts and if I need hiatus time or not. I'm hoping the mere act of writing this will make me be back to normalish within like a day. I usually feel better after these things but this one was also a bad one so it may take longer despite this.

I guess we'll see.
brimsd: (Default)
As some of you may already know. Mental problems run in my family. I suspect they run in everyone's family to an extent. Primarily, we have clinical depression that can quickly progress into far worse situations. I don't always talk about how bad it can be and with my own situation I have multiple factors involved related to my mental health. Age 4 until I was 13, I was deathly afraid of school. Not afraid of other kids or bullies. No, I was afraid of teachers. I was verbally abused and told I was stupid and lazy. I was not a depressed child until I entered school. This was... terrible for me because I am a history nerd, I like science, I even like math. I like learning.

Recently, there have been some job openings in our local school systems. These jobs are teacher aides, reading aides, aides to help kids with learning problems. Basically, helping the kids I used to be.

I couldn't apply to any of them.

The mere thought I would be placed back into the system. As much as I know I can help these kids... I just can't work within that system again. I know what it would do to me. I am not in a good mental condition to deal with that. When I was in school I had to devote more time fighting with the school system than I did studying. I seriously had to fight every year. I had teachers that refused to accommodate anything under the guise of 'it's not fair to the other children.'

This aversion to working in the school system didn't become apparent to me until I saw those jobs. I need work but the moment I even think about applying to those... old panic responses start to rise up. That same feeling of trying to move a boulder with a toothpick. It would be a job that would go home with me and... I can't do that. Not again.

I... really wish I could. Maybe I will in the future but I just... can't do it. Even just writing this I started crying. Not all out balling but tears are running. I don't like this sudden realization that I'm still terrified of something I thought I put behind me.
brimsd: (Default)
What's going on... is sort of a hard question to answer.

Milo died over a month ago and I'm still taking it hard. When your daily life shrinks down to a few people and animals everything is felt stronger. In May, I got another cat, Nemo because I am tired of my old animals dying. Which brings me to another problem Lala is 17 and she's acting sick now too. I really don't know if I can go through this again. Lala has been with me almost as long a Milo. She has been unquestionably my cat since she was born. I was there when she was born. I hope I'm just reading too much into an old cat with aches and pains but I'm tired of the emotional toll.

I've been continuing to look for work. An ad that's there one day is gone the next. Every job I've really wanted, no matter how menial, has been filled before I arrive. Graveyard grounds keeper for one. I need to apply to a few more jobs this week then submit proof to unemployment that I've been applying. It sounds easy. Sounds easy. I'm going to have to apply for things I'm not even qualified for. This says a lot, because I'm qualified for a number of fields. This lack of response to resumes hasn't helped for my general mental state which has become quite strained.

I had family staying here for a few days which was fine. It wasn't that stressful while they were here and a lot got done. It's the decompression and clean up after that gets me. There is a lot around the house I haven't done because I just can't get the energy or the will power. Times like this I worry that my medication isn't working as well as it used to. It's hard for me to tell without an outside observer. Do I need a dose increase? I don't know. I need to make an appointment for my doctor to write me a new script anyway maybe I'll talk to him then. It's hard to say there have been too many emotional stressers on me.

I have been under stress which does terrible things to my mind. I'm in what we'll call Insecurity Castle. It's where no matter what I tell myself I feel as if no one cares. That no really likes me for anything other than what I can give them. Even when people tell me that's not true I have trouble really hearing it. I tend to quiet down when I get like this... not because I don't want contact but because I have a very hard time telling if the feelings I'm getting are right. To clarify, I do a lot of things by feel and instinct which very rarely leads me into trouble. Where it does lead me into trouble is times like this. Where I know for a fact that what I'm feeling is wrong. My gut instincts/moral compass are usually the only thing left I can trust but they're.... vague. I'm not sure if I can explain it. It deals in absolutes like moral choices. But when my emotional side is a off kilter it feeds the moral side bad information. Like... my self worth has kinda just bottomed out, so the emotional side is telling the moral side that since I'm not worth anything I should put everyone ahead of me. This sadly makes perfect sense to me when things get bad.

At the same time, I just wanna go somewhere or be around someone who'll just tell me it's going to be okay. Then I have trouble getting that far because of the quagmire depression kicking in. It's something I've been working on. Me and Jordan have a rule... since we are emotionally the same person. The moment any of these thoughts get into either of our heads we're supposed to at least tell each other. I'm getting better at doing this with my friends too but I have always had this fear that it'll scare people away. Even when I know it won't. Irrational but persistent.

As much as I'm in a bad space right now, I don't know how bad. Because I was fine the other day. Well, fine as in I was happy, life still sucked but I was pretty happy. So I also know this is in part due to my monthly cycle and this should, by all rights, go away in a day or so. If not, well.... Jordan will be here this weekend. He knows what's going on and will drag me off to the doctor accordingly if things don't turn around.
brimsd: (I'm easily distrac--bunny)
I have room for only one more character and I need help deciding who I should pick.

[Poll #1725250]
brimsd: (Default)
I have this undying urge to understand the motives of the people around me and why they do what they do. I even want to know why someone who is mean and hateful to me. I've been like since I was 4. That's when I first asked my mom why my teacher was mean to me. I wanted to know why she acted like I was moron and why she thought so little of me.
I found out. She did not believe in learning disabilities, she also believed there was only one right way to do things and that was her way. At age 4, I was never good at thinking inside box. I thought the box was boring. I found out later what her complaints about me to my mother were. She was angry I couldn't remember my phone number(we just moved there a week before. I did, however, know my address.). She was upset that when we were all sitting on the floor I would fidget and sometimes lay on my belly and prop my head up on my hands. She got upset that I put circle eyes on my paper pumpkin and not triangle. She would get upset when I sometimes used my left hand to write my name instead of my right. You know, I really wish I was making this up. I spent that year coming home crying. Not because of other children... Other kids liked me. I was the kid everyone went to. I was the one who stepped in between bullies and their prey.
I was already seeing a psychologist at that age because my mom wanted to be sure I understood that I was not the reason my parents got a divorce. Having a professional third party telling me the same thing she'd been telling me since day one. It's true, my parents did not get divorced because of me. They got divorced for reasons I won't talk about here. Let's just say my dad had some problems needed to deal with that he couldn't if he was married.
This brings me back to wanting to understand why people do things. It's a small comfort to me. Especially if realize that what someone is doing isn't because of hate or it isn't because they'd a bad person. Especially if they don't even realize they're doing it. The core thing about all people is they almost always think they're doing the right thing. And some people, after being shown they were wrong... they can't go back, especially in cases of shame, guilt and ego. Most people don't like being told the're wrong about big things.
We will often do the worst acts of our lives due to ego, guilt or the worse of all... revenge. Even petty revenge. "Oh this girl kicked my chair. She's mean. I'm going to kick her chair right out from under her. That'll teach her." Then later we find out that girl tripped. Or worse yet, tripped because she gets nervous around people she likes and you're the one she likes. She was trying to get the courage to talk to you because she thinks you're awesome. In finding all that out, most people find apologies are hard. Or they can't find a way to make it sound sincere. Their own doubts weigh in.
Sometimes those doubts are right. Maybe you missed your chance. The truth may hurt, but it's worth telling someone if you were at fault.
There are a few people in this world I don't get along with. I usually don't get along with them because I understand too much about them. I may understand something about their motives I cannot stomach. Usually, the people I don't get along with are ones who knowingly hurt others to make themselves feel better. It's one thing to be girl who tripped. It's another thing to go after her even after you understand it was an accident and to hold that grudge. Now, I know we're all guilty of that at some point in our lives but it's the ones who continue to do this time in again I don't tolerate.
I am more than guilty of being a mean person. I've done some shit I can't fix. I usually realize I was in the wrong after the fact. I'm getting better at avoiding this though... That's why I will sometimes suddenly pull away from somewhere for a couple days. It's usually because I can feel myself growing petty and I don't like it. So I pull back before it gets worse and if I can't pull back I tell the people I have to deal with that is going on. I tell them that everything is bothering me more than they should, even little things that shouldn't like finding onions on my hamburger when I ordered no onions. Most of the time I go FML and pick them off. When I'm swinging into that petty zone I will take the onions to mean no one cares about me. I usually catch these thoughts and go... "wait what" and realize something is wrong. When I realize something is wrong I try to get to the bottom of it. In may cases, it's just I'm an hour late in taking my meds.
I honestly have a little check list to run through when I start to feel that way.

1-Check the time. Did you take your meds?
2-Have you eaten? Did you have enough carbs? Did you eat more than one meal?
3-Have you drank anything? Is you blood pressure crashing?
4-Have you gotten enough sunlight? Where is your sunlamp?
5-Have you talked to anyone today? In person or on the phone?

*-Is something else bothering you?

Usually I get it resolved before the end of the list. That last question though, is one I sometimes ask first... then run through the list, then I ask it again. If * is still true, I deal with it. I talk to someone or vent about whatever the hell it is. Lately, I've had a lot bothering me as my last post can attest.

Yesterday, I suddenly got really bad. Everything bothered me and made my mood worse. Even people being happy made me unhappy. It took me a while to get out of it and I'm still not completely better. My mood is in a very fragile state. I have to ask those five questions every few hours.

Right now, there are a lot of things bothering me. A lot of things I can't do a damn thing about. I don't usually talk on the phone for two reasons... I won't shut up at whoever I'm talking to(hi, phone bill, how are you?) and when I lived at home... my sister. Crazy person did not like hearing sounds from my room.

Both those points aren't an issue now. I think... I'll bother people on the phone again.

Anyway, for now. I have to go to get more paper work done and do laundry at my mom's. I just needed to tl;dr.

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Brim

May 2012

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