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I built this castle
And then we're right back where we started.
Things got worse after my last little post. I experienced four mental breakdowns in the course of two days. Seven if we count the times I threw the phone across the room, the PS3 controller across the room and when I almost tossed my laptop across the yard. Protip, I don't usually throw things, ever.
Because the method of recovery I use, I feel the need to explain.
First of all, the cause of this most recent crazy deals entirely in the land of real life. It was triggered by the date. I have been officially unemployed for a full year. Add other stresses contributed and it did not end well.
Key point here, I'm recovering from this mess. Downside of this is how I often need to recover. See, in my current state, I experience what I like to call one way empathy. Other people's happiness makes me sad, other people's misfortune makes me sad. I literally can't win. On that same note, my self esteem and ego does some crazy shit. I will believe I am worth something and what I do is great BUT I also believe no one else thinks that. That no one likes anything I do no matter how great I think it is. No matter how aware I am that this isn't true, I have a hard time believing it. I seriously feel like the kid picked last on the playground. For everything. I know none of it rational but the feeling is still there.
The troublesome thing about this, these feelings will extend themselves to RP and online friends. To keep myself from doing something stupid while I'm still in this relativity fragile state, I take a step back from everything. Especially places like plurk. These feelings are especially dangerous there because I find myself incapable of being happy for anyone. Instead I feel bad because I'm not happy and I feel left out. And as I said, on the flip side, I can still feel sad for other people! So I'm screwed no matter what I do. What is also frustrating is when I feel left out when I'm like this I honestly don't know if it's true or not. No matter how rationally I look at it, I can't tell. So, this brings me back to stepping back. If don't, these feelings will fester and I will get worse. I may also cause damage to friendships because I suddenly won't feel appreciated or I feel like I have to compete for attention. Both things make me really snippy that can lead me to say some very mean things.
I also realize I don't need to explain why I need to disappear from social networking sites for a few days. But this is partly for me. Explaining it and laying it all out for everyone to see and understand helps me. I also believe it helps prevent misunderstandings about what I do or don't feel.
I don't know how long I'll be stepping back. Maybe just another day or two, maybe a week. I don't know. I will probably still RP in this time but only a few threads that don't have any negative effect on my stupidly fragile mood. It's kind of hard to say which ones they'll be. As it stands I can be inspired for something but emotionally be unable to follow through because it will inexplicably make me feel bad (seriously, this makes no sense but it happens.). Meanwhile the one thread I might be able to tag is something horrible like a (non-sexy)torture scene or something. I really don't know until I try. It's pretty obvious when I find one that works because I'll tag really fast. I usually have better luck with PSLs when I'm like this but I sadly don't have any fucking ideas who to play with or what kind or scene to do.
Anyway, moving back to my not so awesome emotional state. Just because I'm feeling these negative emotions about everything doesn't mean I hate anyone. I hate that I'm feeling the way I do. I hate that I know there's nothing I can do but wait for it to go away.
I'd also like to put forth a warning. I may not be fun to talk to right now. So if you see me online and IM me... uh, I apologize in advance. I know I won't be biting peoples heads off(at least I hope not) but... yeah. Not the life of the party but at the same time I feel bad if I don't talk to anyone. I mean, my god, what the hell brain.
So, let's review the crazy...
Breakdowns, depression, recovering slowly, having trouble with the happy, only RPing a little, will take time, IM at your own risk.
I guess, we'll see how long this lasts and if I need hiatus time or not. I'm hoping the mere act of writing this will make me be back to normalish within like a day. I usually feel better after these things but this one was also a bad one so it may take longer despite this.
I guess we'll see.
Things got worse after my last little post. I experienced four mental breakdowns in the course of two days. Seven if we count the times I threw the phone across the room, the PS3 controller across the room and when I almost tossed my laptop across the yard. Protip, I don't usually throw things, ever.
Because the method of recovery I use, I feel the need to explain.
First of all, the cause of this most recent crazy deals entirely in the land of real life. It was triggered by the date. I have been officially unemployed for a full year. Add other stresses contributed and it did not end well.
Key point here, I'm recovering from this mess. Downside of this is how I often need to recover. See, in my current state, I experience what I like to call one way empathy. Other people's happiness makes me sad, other people's misfortune makes me sad. I literally can't win. On that same note, my self esteem and ego does some crazy shit. I will believe I am worth something and what I do is great BUT I also believe no one else thinks that. That no one likes anything I do no matter how great I think it is. No matter how aware I am that this isn't true, I have a hard time believing it. I seriously feel like the kid picked last on the playground. For everything. I know none of it rational but the feeling is still there.
The troublesome thing about this, these feelings will extend themselves to RP and online friends. To keep myself from doing something stupid while I'm still in this relativity fragile state, I take a step back from everything. Especially places like plurk. These feelings are especially dangerous there because I find myself incapable of being happy for anyone. Instead I feel bad because I'm not happy and I feel left out. And as I said, on the flip side, I can still feel sad for other people! So I'm screwed no matter what I do. What is also frustrating is when I feel left out when I'm like this I honestly don't know if it's true or not. No matter how rationally I look at it, I can't tell. So, this brings me back to stepping back. If don't, these feelings will fester and I will get worse. I may also cause damage to friendships because I suddenly won't feel appreciated or I feel like I have to compete for attention. Both things make me really snippy that can lead me to say some very mean things.
I also realize I don't need to explain why I need to disappear from social networking sites for a few days. But this is partly for me. Explaining it and laying it all out for everyone to see and understand helps me. I also believe it helps prevent misunderstandings about what I do or don't feel.
I don't know how long I'll be stepping back. Maybe just another day or two, maybe a week. I don't know. I will probably still RP in this time but only a few threads that don't have any negative effect on my stupidly fragile mood. It's kind of hard to say which ones they'll be. As it stands I can be inspired for something but emotionally be unable to follow through because it will inexplicably make me feel bad (seriously, this makes no sense but it happens.). Meanwhile the one thread I might be able to tag is something horrible like a (non-sexy)torture scene or something. I really don't know until I try. It's pretty obvious when I find one that works because I'll tag really fast. I usually have better luck with PSLs when I'm like this but I sadly don't have any fucking ideas who to play with or what kind or scene to do.
Anyway, moving back to my not so awesome emotional state. Just because I'm feeling these negative emotions about everything doesn't mean I hate anyone. I hate that I'm feeling the way I do. I hate that I know there's nothing I can do but wait for it to go away.
I'd also like to put forth a warning. I may not be fun to talk to right now. So if you see me online and IM me... uh, I apologize in advance. I know I won't be biting peoples heads off(at least I hope not) but... yeah. Not the life of the party but at the same time I feel bad if I don't talk to anyone. I mean, my god, what the hell brain.
So, let's review the crazy...
Breakdowns, depression, recovering slowly, having trouble with the happy, only RPing a little, will take time, IM at your own risk.
I guess, we'll see how long this lasts and if I need hiatus time or not. I'm hoping the mere act of writing this will make me be back to normalish within like a day. I usually feel better after these things but this one was also a bad one so it may take longer despite this.
I guess we'll see.