Brim

Okay, so here's all the things.

Sun, 20 May 2012 16:52:09 GMT

Jordan's dad died earlier this month. We spent the end of April and the beginning of May in Canada. It wasn't fun, as you can imagine. We made it back home only a few days ago.

Things are... I don't know.

My birthday's tomorrow. I don't even know what I want or what I want to do. Other than something that isn't sad which really doesn't narrow it down much.

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My life so far--

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 16:41:11 GMT

It occurred to me when I was out getting groceries today, that my life has been wtf crazy the last two years with no signs of stopping. Technically it all started in 2010 but it was late 2010 so the two year thing still holds.

Late 2010, I got off work at the island and moved back downstate for the winter. I had plans of returning to work in '11 but we know how that turned out. My older sister, whom I've been very close to most of my life, lost her freaking mind. I can't word it more delicately than that. She is insane. Period. Yes, she's in therapy and getting help and it doesn't make her a bad person. It just made her a bad person to be around. The negativity and toxic environment it created caused me to move out abruptly in the middle of the night late December.

I have my own problems with chronic depression but I am no where near the level my sister was and still sort of is. She became delusional, self-destructive and pulling 13 year-old girl shit. I'm not going into all the crap she did. Bottom line, I was afraid to leave my room and that's no way to live. It was like living with a time bomb. It started to push me into my own depressive state because, well, not leaving my room except for work.

Anyway, good news is my sister is doing better. Not back to how she used to be before that break but better.

So, when I moved out I moved out to my grandma's old cottage on a lake. I had spent the last three months cleaning five years of neglect. My grandma couldn't live alone anymore and went to live with my aunt. '10 I asked if I could clean the place up and stay there. I was told sure, as long as I paid the electricity, heat and keep the place from falling over. The place is very old and never really meant to still be standing. I lived there almost a year. It was my first real 100% on my own place. I had previously always lived with someone else.

It was a lot of work and I had to work on adjusting to living alone. It was surprisingly easy that is, until Milo got sick. Milo was my cat I had had forever. He was 1, deaf and lost his fangs. He adjusted to lake just fine but cancer caught up with him a few months later. We had known about the cancer for years but it wasn't something that could be operated on. I took Milo's death hard.

A few months later my other cat, Lala, died of kidney failure. She was 18. At this point I was a mess. I was getting tired of losing pets. I ended up getting two young cats. Nemo, who I got in May a few weeks after Milo's death and Little M I got after Lala's. Little M got his name because he's creepily like Milo. Creepily.

Amid all this, me and Jordan had been working on getting married and tackling immigration. Lots of paper work. Speaking of paperwork -- Unemployment. It took me nearly five months for them to give me my backed unemployment. I was running on empty moneywise. I borrowed a couple thousand from my mom.

Then, of course, job hunting. That can be a depressing endeavor on its own. Because I had moved to the lake I decided not to return to the island to work. There was some family related drama behind this and my sister. I would have to stay with my sister if I went back. Hahah no.

So, job hunting sucked. A lot. I got only a small handful of interviews and no job to show for it. BUT I was finally getting back to work on comics because hell, I had the fucking time. I was getting my portfolio back together and planning to sent sample pages off when the bottom fell out again.

I was woken up by a phonecall early in the morning. It was my mom. My uncle had cancer. My aunt wouldn't be able to take care of Grandma anymore and it was bad. So I decide to go with my mom to see my aunt and uncle and grandma. I drop my cats off to be catsit and off we go.

On our way there we get fucking rear ended. It was terrible and previous entries detail that. Fucking what the hell. I was driving and this person did come out of no where. So we don't make it to my aunt's until the next day and we're just a bundle of nerves and keysmashyness. My mom is worse than me. But through all this I offered to take care of grandma. I didn't have a job to speak of and I hadn't even gotten to send any sample pages off yet.

Everyone was pretty much, wait what? Then the more they thought about it the more it made sense. The only other options were a home or sending her to CA. If I took her she could go back where people know her. We couldn't go back to the cottage though. Instead I ended up finding an apartment. I've never gone apartment hunting before but I snagged a good one. Seriously.

Now, my grandma is 98 and still has all her facilities she's just a fall risk. You can see why I didn't want her in a home. I know it'll be hard when she dies. Anyway. The transition was... fast. It was also difficult. For awhile I was the only one taking care of her until we got aides set up. If you've never been someone's primary caretaker without a break, you'll go a little insane when you finally GET a break. And I did.

Good kind of insane but still.

To top off this tale, Jordan's dad also has cancer. He's terminal. He has anywhere between a month to six months. Me and Jordan just got married and immigration doesn't want him leaving the country for a year. We filled out the paper work that will allow him to leave. We got it expedited and we can only hope we get a reply soon. Because we are not staying here when his dad starts to go. We are going to Canada and we are going to be there.

Then back to my uncle, his cancer has spread and he's also terminal. It's in his brain, bones and lungs. We don't have a time estimate yet but with how fast he went from a cough(Sept '11) to this. It doesn't look good. We should hear more on him today.

I've been living here with my grandma since about October. Once aides were brought in and Jordan and I got married... things became so much easier. We both have the time and space to work on art. Of course this is loaded with drawbacks. It's a lot like having an infant. Someday are really easy and leave use with spare time. Other days are full of scares and stress and oh god stop being stubborn and drink the damn prune juice grandma.

For the moment, room and board is covered in exchange for being here with her and looking after her. I don't really get paid. Well I kind of do. I get a 100 dollars a month of my very own! ...which is not really a paycheck. But I also have a set amount of money I can use for food and anything Grandma needs which is way more than 100 dollars.

now, I'm thinking I can finally get back to doing comic work again and maybe finally get my sample pages off. I'm also going to do more commissions I think. Just so I have a little extra money to myself.

So that's my life so far. I wanted to write it all out again because I have a hard time believing it.

And I even left some parts out.

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Cancer update

Sun, 25 Mar 2012 15:36:44 GMT

It's moved to my uncle's brain.

I... was going to say more than this but I can't right now. I'm still circling back around that sentence over and over.

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Random RP Smut Rant

Fri, 23 Mar 2012 18:39:14 GMT

RP and Smut -- I haven't gotten to play much of it lately and those that I have started I lose interest in quickly. The problem often is if I already know how it will end I get bored quickly. Especially if my partner wants to work out the ending. I'm okay with vague but we can't work out emotional states until we're done unless you don't want me to tag anymore. I prefer starting something and not knowing just how it will end even if this means retcon in a game. Which is sad because I have a few that could turn into something but they're... sadly predictable for me. When I can predict the next five responses from the person i'm playing with... I might as well go back to fanfic.

I have some preferred kinks I want to play. They're all on the harder side of things. When I do find someone to play them with it usually gets dropped just when it gets good. I rarely pursue it and ask for tags after a week or two with no reply. Maybe I should but when it comes to my more extreme kinks I do not want to pressure anyone. So I lose a percentage of juicy threads to lost notifs. In that regard -- it's not my job to remind you. That's your ballpark. If you have a bad system for checking replies? I'm not babysitting our threads. The only time I announce tags is if we're going fast boomerang style and aim is open. Otherwise, no.

So, a lot of my problems are my own making but not without reason. If I'm bored with a smut thread I've learned it's not worth it to power through unless I know I'm playing with someone who will throw me a curve ball. I don't like constantly reminding people to tag something. I lose out on threads where things were actually forgotten about. Bottom line is -- if you're not that eager to play I don't want to keep going anyway.

It sucks for what I want to do. Sucks more that I somehow end up mentoring people with RPing BDSM stuff which is fun in itself but I don't see much of a return. I don't always like that I'm good at it because I get this empty nest thing when they leave. If I don't have someone I can teach or someone I can play off of regularly, I feel like I'm missing something. This, of course, sucks when I suddenly get the urge to play smut. I don't particularly like doing the 'who wants to smut' plurk. Not because I'm not interested in who replies but because I don't like to play favorites. Honestly, Yes, I do favor certain people because they are consistently fun but that's no reason to rub it in everyone's faces. Sometimes I just want one smut thread, not 20, so I have to choose. I like the people on my plurklist even if I don't want smut with every one. But this is a double edged sword because I also like to play with new people and sometimes that's the only way to get connected.

I sometimes adopt the policy of letting them come to me. It doesn't always get me what I want but it does ensure the threads last longer.

I'm hot or cold on smut memes. Sometimes there is one I like but I don't see any characters who've posted that I'm remotely interested in. Sometimes I get lucky, but not always. I've just given up on some memes just because even when I tag around I only get one or two replies, max. Once in a blue moon I'll get something that makes it 20 comments.

It does make me wonder if maybe I just suck at this. Then I'll have people who claim they stop because I'm such a good RPer. I'm sorry, even if you mean that, it's a load of BS. I. don't. care. I appreciate that you want to keep my interest or whatever but you can't keep my interest if you don't fucking reply.

so there, have a minor rant.

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Sun, 18 Mar 2012 23:30:12 GMT

I just...

It hasn't been a good day at all. I've been trying to work and each time I sit down something happens. Our aide won't be coming this evening again. Which... it's always stressful since I get the most work done in the evenings. Neither of us slept well. I had really hoped having a drink last night would help but it didn't.

and now I come back to this entry hours later and it still sucks.

I'm exhausted.

Faintly wondering if there's anything else I can do for my game tonight but haha yeah. tired.

might just go to sleep.

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Fri, 02 Mar 2012 20:45:27 GMT

Sometimes I'm in a lot of pain and just want to complain. The weather is not kind to me right now and neither is my body. I had to splint my wrist again today because the painkillers are barely touching it. With the splint it keeps me from moving it in ways that hurt and let's me sleep without waking up because I bent my wrist and it hurt.

It sucks because it's the same hand I draw with. On the upside, the splint sometimes improves my art. Helps with sweeping strokes and all that.

Yesterday grandma choked again. I made soup today and lots of other soft foods. I don't like how often she's been choking. And I do not want to put her on a liquid diet, the doctor agrees. It was difficult to get her to eat anything after the choking yesterday. Jordan bribed her with breakfast for supper.

We have to be even more careful with her food. I'm worried that she'll die because of choking and not in her sleep like I kinda of expect. It's a valid concern which is why she never eats alone. It terrifies me that certain sounds from her will wake me from a dead sleep.

With Jordan here I've been able to sleep normal hours instead of my insane 3 hours of sleep at a time thing. I'm actually able to work again. It's been so long since I've done any art just because.

Today was easier aside from the oh god pain I'm feeling. I have some serious unfun pain in more than one place. I only mentioned the wrist because that's the worst right now. I have some other shit acting up that I'll not go into much detail about. Dyshydrosis is doing a number on my hands on top of that. so fuck everything.

On the brighter side, I did all the apps for OD. So I can concentrate on actually playing and doing my NPC responses. If I don't fall asleep first.

I know I'm not the fastest person in the world but I'm trying to stay on top of my NPC stuff and announcements and things. I think I'll know by the end of this month if I really need/want more mods. If the game stays in 20-30 played characters range I might be able to get by with just me. Any more than that and I wanna push my Mod Application more. I have one app in there and I'm seriously considering it.

ATP is this weekend so we'll see what that brings for my little fledgling game. I am sorta proud of how its doing so far. I really didn't expect this much interest. I figured I'd get maybe six people. Shows what I know, I guess.

And fuck everyhting I want to play Rush again. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

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Basic intro to me for those morbidly curious.

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 19:54:26 GMT

I go by Brim but I still sometimes go by Silver which was my very first fandom handle. I'm 27 years old and married. We currently take care of my 98 year old grandmother. I've worked as a webcomic artist and did get published once or twice but it was all small time stuff. My primary occupation is art but that doesn't always pay the bills so I often take survival jobs so I can continue doing what I love.

I started a new art blog on tumblr and it's found here brimbutt and I have a newish DeviantArt account brimsd I have another DA account but it's full of my really really really old stuff and I haven't touched it in ages. It's kind of nice to have a fresh start now and then.

Art wise I'm trying to rebuild my portfolio as I've lost a lot of stuff and quite frankly I've improved beyond my original portfolio that I'm only keeping four pieces from it.

I like RP and I always have. I've been around in a few different games on LJ with lots of different characters but few places really stuck. I like to RP in very open environments where character's actions affect the world they're in. I like doing plots and running them. I've done Moderation on LJ and but I took almost two years off.

outer_divide is my first foray into a game that is 100% mine. Where I made the concept and run the majority of it. Because of that... I'm kinda picky about co-mods. I haven't picked any yet but I am seriously considering who I want. I do have a mod application up for anyone interested. While I may not choose you I really appreciate everyone willing to help. Right now I'm holding off on that decision until I have a good idea how big the game will get. If we stay under 50 played characters I think I can handle it solo but if not? I'm kidnapping someone to do my bidding. I mean... um. No, that's what I mean.

Anyway some other things about me... I like cats and have two. I like almost everything sci-fi though I have a love/hate relationship with some of it. I enjoy video games of the espionage variety and mystery and most games in general but I'm kinda terrible at horror games because I startle too easily. I still like them but I rather watch someone else play them. I'm a sucker for mindless action movies and espionage movies.

With fandom stuff, I kind of ship everything. From the canon ships all the way to some crazy wtf slash they never appear in the same scene pairing. Het, slash, it's all good. I really hate ship wars because... usually I like pairings on both side of the war. I sometimes play out ships in RP but not always. It depends on the type of game I'm in and the type of character. I really like crosscanon stuff that happen in panfandom games.

I'm a twisted mother fucker when it comes to smut. I can play simple smut but I have more fun with kink. I understand not everyone is into that kind of thing so I'm sometimes hesitant to suggest it unless someone seems interested. I do have a few things I'm not into but I save that for another time.

I used to write fanfic but haven't in quite awhile. I sometimes get a random muse and write something up. Currently the random muse happens with Nikita but I haven't... shown any of it because it's mostly terrible BDSM Nikita/Michael or Nikita/Birkhoff/Michael and believe it or not I'm slightly embarrassed. If it was something that happened in RP I would be fine with showing but for some reason because I wrote all of it I'm suddenly bashful. I don't know how that works and I've never had that problem before. AHEM. Anyway.

I'm a strange person.

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My shuffle has a sense of humor.

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 00:22:25 GMT

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Things and Stuff

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 18:49:26 GMT

outer_divide is scheduled to open next Thursday, March 1st. Which is awesome. I'm a little nervous about it in the same way I'm nervous about showing off new pieces of art. I think it will be a good thing for me. I've had the story kicking around for awhile and I wasn't sure where to put it. It should work well as a game.

Anyway. On the Real Life front. A recap of this month so far has been... not the best but not as bad as it could be. My Aunt died of ALS early this month. My Uncle(unrelated to that aunt) has aggressive cancer and it's... still uncertain. As some of you may remember my uncle getting cancer prompted me taking on my 98 year old grand mother. She lives with us and is in generally good health but it can be tiring. Like today, our usual aide called in sick and the replacement couldn't be here for an hour. This kind of thing has happened before and I'm... sadly used to it but it throws me a bit off my daily routine. Not terribly, it just means I need more caffeine.

I got the middle of the day as far as taking care of grandma is concerned and I sometimes take a nap after the aide arrives in the morning so I'm just lacking in that hour long nap. Not a big deal just all heeeeey I wanted to use that hour. Anyway, grandma is a little bit like having a child only she doesn't fuss or scream or suddenly run around the apartment screaming and pretending to be Superman. She has a fixed schedule she usually keeps to so that makes it easier to plan my time for work and fun.

I got married last month so things are a bit easier as a whole because there are two of us and we can trade off everything but the personal care stuff. If grandma needs help in the bathroom or with clothes that's my job. Jordan can help with everything else though. That is a huge relief because it has been very hard. I'm good at it but it's hard. Not hard in what I have to do but it's hard in terms of mentality. Not everyone is cut out to be a caretaker. It can be nerve wracking, especially if grandma chokes. It's happened twice since she's been here and only once did we need to assist her. Believe it or not that's an improvement. Her jaw has shrunk and her teeth don't fit that well. So that coupled with the natural weakening of the throat muscles as you age...? not so awesome. I'm just real careful about what I feed her and how finely it's chopped. ilu chopper machine.

One thing I don't like about this is I occasionally have to lie to her. She tends to fixate on things and warp herself out of shape over something minor. So I've lied to ease her mind, like she thought a bill was 500 dollars when it was actually 200 dollars. She would not listen when I told her it was less than she thought so I gave up and told her that the insurance took care of it. The thing here is she hasn't been the person in charge of her money for a long while. I'm not even in charge of it. I get a grandma allowance to buy anything and everything she wants or needs while the other bills are handled by a Aunt Jean and my mom who have the power of attorney.

My role is to be the person here to take care of her. In a way I'm paid to be here in terms of room and board. My job isn't to look after her money beyond what I spend directly on her behalf. I have a folder filled with receipts for everything a buy each month. End of the month I add it up and average what I spend on what and send that off to my aunt. The reason we gotta do that is we are in an government assistance program and we need to show them what we spend her money on. It's to prevent fraud so I don't mind. It also helps me keep track of how much we're spending in general with our own money as well as hers.

The situation here is a bit difficult but we caught a huge break here. I have time to work on my art and comics again which is what I really want to do.

I guess that's all for now.

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Wed, 01 Feb 2012 02:01:59 GMT

So hey, kids. How about an update.

Busy end of the year then right on into the new year. I got married on the 21st of January. We currently take care of my 98 year grandmother full time.

RP land decided to blow up as my life decided to change. Not really complaining. I'm kinda glad to be hanging out on Dreamwidth now.

Speaking of that, tonight applications will open up on outer_divide. A game I had originally thrown together on LJ but decided to move to DW when I realized I did want to actually open it.

Jury is still out on whether it'll be hit or not. Could be flash in the pan but I'm hopeful. I'll advertise where I can and see if I generate any interest.

I could still need help in moderation. I have a mod application open in the mod journal for anyone interested. You don't have to even know me to apply.

In the meantime I'm using my husband as interim help with applications. He doesn't play on DW or LJ but he's modded his fair share of games. He also works for a company as moderator on forums and MMORPGs. If no one else offers to help mod wise. I might resort to straight up asking people if they can do it.

Anyway that's what's up.

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