Brim

Let's start with Saturday, that's a good place to start isn't it?

Okay. So I now live with my 98 year-old Grandmother. She gets aides in the morning and evening. I'm scheduled to leave Saturday so I can go to London, Ont. meet up with Jordan so we can get ready for the train at the crack of dark the next day.

Yeah so, the aide we had scheduled for that day? She doesn't show up. In fact, she QUIT at 7am that morning and she was supposed to show up at 8am. Naturally, I was a little upset with this. Anyway, I call my mom to come over and help with Grandma because I did NOT sleep well that night and my original plan was to take a nap after the aide showed at 8am. I was going to sleep for another three hours before I had to leave. Obviously, that didn't happen.

Finally we get things figured out and I shove some food in me while I work on my Unemployment paperwork. Those of you never on employment may not fully appreciate having to account for every place you've applied to work for for the past three months after you ALREADY ACCOUNTED FOR THEM on their busted ass website. So I was doing it on paper so those fuckers couldn't shaft me again(for the third time, no less). Anyway, get that as done as I could get and signed a bunch of fucking paper work. Shoved some food in me. Shoved some clothes in my bag. Shoved my laptop in and started off on my fucking 4 hour drive to London.

Rest of that night was fairly uneventful aside from me being so completely exhausted I couldn't make words happen when I got there.

So. Sunday
Wake up at the crack of dark. That is to say around 6am. Drag our busted asses to the train station and get on a train for Toronto so we could then go to Montreal (fucking Montreal).

So we get on the motherfucking train and do the motherfucking trip. Part of the way we had a drunk/sick sleepwalking weightlifter sitting near us. He was.... entertaining to watch.

We get to Montreal. Find a hotel. Eat at this fucking awesome gourmet pizza place. Wood fired stove and a fancy marble bar and these ostridge skinned bar stools. I drank by beer a little too fast and was all <3 at everything. With all French being spoken around me I had this urge to start speaking Spanish. I didn't but damn it was tempting.

We drag ourselves back to the hotel to die for the night. I attempt to take a bath while a little buzzed and Jordan kept laughing at me. Probably because I was taking my bath like a four year old and splashing the water around like an idiot.

Moving on, we get ourselves to bed at some point.

Around 11:50 we hear this very polite fire alarm in the hallway. Like almost a full second between sounding. I'm naked at this point so Jordan checks it out. He returns and said the told him it was a false alarm. Alarm stops. We start to fall back asleep.

A few minutes later our polite alarm returns. At this point I had put some clothes back on. We check on things again. This time there is the smell of smoke AND the fire department. Over the intercom a very bored sounding fireman said "This is the fire department, there was a small incident. It has been taken care of. Please return to your rooms. Thank you." well, actually it was said in French first but both versions sounded bored.

We lay back down again. A few minutes later the fire alarm goes again but it only lasts two alarms before it's cut off mid alarm as it got shut off.

I don't recall if I slept much. We had to get up at 7:30am the next day.

Monday
We drag our dead asses out of bed to go to the U.S. Consulate so Jordan can get his motherfucking Visa. We show up around 8. There's already a line out the door. Oh, and we couldn't bring cell phones, other electronics, weapons or pretty much anything other than our paper work. So we get past security without getting felt up or strip searched. Next we get to go to the 19th floor and get a number, C33, and they're just now doing C10. So, yeah. awesome.

There are some vending machines there so when I started to get hungry (a few hours into this) I went to the snack machine. Where we swiftly find the machine is broken. Someone is informed and they come back with an out of order sign.

All told we were there 7 hours. Only machine we could get to work was the soda machine but I really really needed something else. Re: Blood pressure problems. But here's the kicker if I left, I would not be allowed back inside. If Jordan left he would forfit his place in line. so we're both getting increasingly grumpy. We started taking bets on what number would be called next. It wasn't always in order. Because you had to be seen three times. First to give your paperwork and finger prints then you go back and wait more. Then they call you again ask for more stuff then you sit back down.

We didn't get to the third and final part until around 1:30. By this time we have missed our Hotel check out time and our train to return home. Awesome right? We are the second to last people who are seen. The place was almost empty when we left.

During our waiting around we discussed ways to break into the broken vending machine. However I was without my multitool as it is a weapon so I would be unable to take the glass off the thing. Because we both watch way too much Survivorman and would do it the non-glass breaking way. Anyway, our attention soon turns to outside because we're kitties. Lots of pidgeons to watch, including a white one. I named him Steve.

There were lots of people on roofs around there and we began to give them voices. Still don't know what the fuck this guy was doing with this rope and no tools on one of the roofs. He was our favorite to watch, then a friend joined him. They did a lot of talking and and playing with the rope and throwing the rope over the side of the building then discussing it some more then bringing the rope back and idek what they were doing.

There was also boobies graffiti on the side of a building. We enjoyed that in a "hee hee boobies :B' kind of way because we're adults.

Then we made up a story for the daring moped gang we saw parked below us. They're badasses who spend their time outside the Timmy's being all rebellious with their... coffee.

So upon our freedom and Jordan gaining his visa(it took five minutes once it was our turn) we are locked out of our hotel room, tell them we need another night because haha no way we're traveling after feeling like we'd both been run over by a truck. We acquire our room for another night and learn out first night was free, re: fire. So awesome.

But then we have to get new train tickets which... isn't so bad. It's that or leaving at 4pm and it was already almost three and we both look like death warmed over and we both were limping. Jordan's back and my left foot.

So last night was the first night we got to relax and we did so by sitting in the bed and both dicking around online we also watched a bunch of Botchmanina because nothing is funnier than seeing pro wrestlers screw up.

Tuesday
The alarm goes off around 9am. Our hotel alarm is very polite, much like the fire alarm. It's like it's saying, "Excuse me.... Excuse me.... get up, please... Excuse me...'

We eat Timmy's duoghnuts and carry on our adventure.

We get on our train without incident and are currently still on it and nearing Toronto so we can switch trains and go back to London.

And then we're right back where we started.

Things got worse after my last little post. I experienced four mental breakdowns in the course of two days. Seven if we count the times I threw the phone across the room, the PS3 controller across the room and when I almost tossed my laptop across the yard. Protip, I don't usually throw things, ever.

Because the method of recovery I use, I feel the need to explain.

First of all, the cause of this most recent crazy deals entirely in the land of real life. It was triggered by the date. I have been officially unemployed for a full year. Add other stresses contributed and it did not end well.

Key point here, I'm recovering from this mess. Downside of this is how I often need to recover. See, in my current state, I experience what I like to call one way empathy. Other people's happiness makes me sad, other people's misfortune makes me sad. I literally can't win. On that same note, my self esteem and ego does some crazy shit. I will believe I am worth something and what I do is great BUT I also believe no one else thinks that. That no one likes anything I do no matter how great I think it is. No matter how aware I am that this isn't true, I have a hard time believing it. I seriously feel like the kid picked last on the playground. For everything. I know none of it rational but the feeling is still there.

The troublesome thing about this, these feelings will extend themselves to RP and online friends. To keep myself from doing something stupid while I'm still in this relativity fragile state, I take a step back from everything. Especially places like plurk. These feelings are especially dangerous there because I find myself incapable of being happy for anyone. Instead I feel bad because I'm not happy and I feel left out. And as I said, on the flip side, I can still feel sad for other people! So I'm screwed no matter what I do. What is also frustrating is when I feel left out when I'm like this I honestly don't know if it's true or not. No matter how rationally I look at it, I can't tell. So, this brings me back to stepping back. If don't, these feelings will fester and I will get worse. I may also cause damage to friendships because I suddenly won't feel appreciated or I feel like I have to compete for attention. Both things make me really snippy that can lead me to say some very mean things.

I also realize I don't need to explain why I need to disappear from social networking sites for a few days. But this is partly for me. Explaining it and laying it all out for everyone to see and understand helps me. I also believe it helps prevent misunderstandings about what I do or don't feel.

I don't know how long I'll be stepping back. Maybe just another day or two, maybe a week. I don't know. I will probably still RP in this time but only a few threads that don't have any negative effect on my stupidly fragile mood. It's kind of hard to say which ones they'll be. As it stands I can be inspired for something but emotionally be unable to follow through because it will inexplicably make me feel bad (seriously, this makes no sense but it happens.). Meanwhile the one thread I might be able to tag is something horrible like a (non-sexy)torture scene or something. I really don't know until I try. It's pretty obvious when I find one that works because I'll tag really fast. I usually have better luck with PSLs when I'm like this but I sadly don't have any fucking ideas who to play with or what kind or scene to do.

Anyway, moving back to my not so awesome emotional state. Just because I'm feeling these negative emotions about everything doesn't mean I hate anyone. I hate that I'm feeling the way I do. I hate that I know there's nothing I can do but wait for it to go away.

I'd also like to put forth a warning. I may not be fun to talk to right now. So if you see me online and IM me... uh, I apologize in advance. I know I won't be biting peoples heads off(at least I hope not) but... yeah. Not the life of the party but at the same time I feel bad if I don't talk to anyone. I mean, my god, what the hell brain.

So, let's review the crazy...

Breakdowns, depression, recovering slowly, having trouble with the happy, only RPing a little, will take time, IM at your own risk.

I guess, we'll see how long this lasts and if I need hiatus time or not. I'm hoping the mere act of writing this will make me be back to normalish within like a day. I usually feel better after these things but this one was also a bad one so it may take longer despite this.

I guess we'll see.

Ugh....

I got further proof today that this journal was needed. A very "special" someone, from that first sex RP I was part of, he got a hold of my private AIM the other day. He was and still is a piece of work. I just hit ignore for the billionth time. I didn't have to read "WHY DO YOU NOT LOVE ME" speeches. After the first emo poems, it really gets old.

I hate poetry by the way. If you intend to stalk me... don't write me poems. I'll shoot you. Well......... I might shoot you on general principle but that's a different issue. That's me being a violent and unstable person. I gotta work on that. Thank God for violent video games. Setting C4 on guards really makes me feel better.