Brim

Let's start with Saturday, that's a good place to start isn't it?

Okay. So I now live with my 98 year-old Grandmother. She gets aides in the morning and evening. I'm scheduled to leave Saturday so I can go to London, Ont. meet up with Jordan so we can get ready for the train at the crack of dark the next day.

Yeah so, the aide we had scheduled for that day? She doesn't show up. In fact, she QUIT at 7am that morning and she was supposed to show up at 8am. Naturally, I was a little upset with this. Anyway, I call my mom to come over and help with Grandma because I did NOT sleep well that night and my original plan was to take a nap after the aide showed at 8am. I was going to sleep for another three hours before I had to leave. Obviously, that didn't happen.

Finally we get things figured out and I shove some food in me while I work on my Unemployment paperwork. Those of you never on employment may not fully appreciate having to account for every place you've applied to work for for the past three months after you ALREADY ACCOUNTED FOR THEM on their busted ass website. So I was doing it on paper so those fuckers couldn't shaft me again(for the third time, no less). Anyway, get that as done as I could get and signed a bunch of fucking paper work. Shoved some food in me. Shoved some clothes in my bag. Shoved my laptop in and started off on my fucking 4 hour drive to London.

Rest of that night was fairly uneventful aside from me being so completely exhausted I couldn't make words happen when I got there.

So. Sunday
Wake up at the crack of dark. That is to say around 6am. Drag our busted asses to the train station and get on a train for Toronto so we could then go to Montreal (fucking Montreal).

So we get on the motherfucking train and do the motherfucking trip. Part of the way we had a drunk/sick sleepwalking weightlifter sitting near us. He was.... entertaining to watch.

We get to Montreal. Find a hotel. Eat at this fucking awesome gourmet pizza place. Wood fired stove and a fancy marble bar and these ostridge skinned bar stools. I drank by beer a little too fast and was all <3 at everything. With all French being spoken around me I had this urge to start speaking Spanish. I didn't but damn it was tempting.

We drag ourselves back to the hotel to die for the night. I attempt to take a bath while a little buzzed and Jordan kept laughing at me. Probably because I was taking my bath like a four year old and splashing the water around like an idiot.

Moving on, we get ourselves to bed at some point.

Around 11:50 we hear this very polite fire alarm in the hallway. Like almost a full second between sounding. I'm naked at this point so Jordan checks it out. He returns and said the told him it was a false alarm. Alarm stops. We start to fall back asleep.

A few minutes later our polite alarm returns. At this point I had put some clothes back on. We check on things again. This time there is the smell of smoke AND the fire department. Over the intercom a very bored sounding fireman said "This is the fire department, there was a small incident. It has been taken care of. Please return to your rooms. Thank you." well, actually it was said in French first but both versions sounded bored.

We lay back down again. A few minutes later the fire alarm goes again but it only lasts two alarms before it's cut off mid alarm as it got shut off.

I don't recall if I slept much. We had to get up at 7:30am the next day.

Monday
We drag our dead asses out of bed to go to the U.S. Consulate so Jordan can get his motherfucking Visa. We show up around 8. There's already a line out the door. Oh, and we couldn't bring cell phones, other electronics, weapons or pretty much anything other than our paper work. So we get past security without getting felt up or strip searched. Next we get to go to the 19th floor and get a number, C33, and they're just now doing C10. So, yeah. awesome.

There are some vending machines there so when I started to get hungry (a few hours into this) I went to the snack machine. Where we swiftly find the machine is broken. Someone is informed and they come back with an out of order sign.

All told we were there 7 hours. Only machine we could get to work was the soda machine but I really really needed something else. Re: Blood pressure problems. But here's the kicker if I left, I would not be allowed back inside. If Jordan left he would forfit his place in line. so we're both getting increasingly grumpy. We started taking bets on what number would be called next. It wasn't always in order. Because you had to be seen three times. First to give your paperwork and finger prints then you go back and wait more. Then they call you again ask for more stuff then you sit back down.

We didn't get to the third and final part until around 1:30. By this time we have missed our Hotel check out time and our train to return home. Awesome right? We are the second to last people who are seen. The place was almost empty when we left.

During our waiting around we discussed ways to break into the broken vending machine. However I was without my multitool as it is a weapon so I would be unable to take the glass off the thing. Because we both watch way too much Survivorman and would do it the non-glass breaking way. Anyway, our attention soon turns to outside because we're kitties. Lots of pidgeons to watch, including a white one. I named him Steve.

There were lots of people on roofs around there and we began to give them voices. Still don't know what the fuck this guy was doing with this rope and no tools on one of the roofs. He was our favorite to watch, then a friend joined him. They did a lot of talking and and playing with the rope and throwing the rope over the side of the building then discussing it some more then bringing the rope back and idek what they were doing.

There was also boobies graffiti on the side of a building. We enjoyed that in a "hee hee boobies :B' kind of way because we're adults.

Then we made up a story for the daring moped gang we saw parked below us. They're badasses who spend their time outside the Timmy's being all rebellious with their... coffee.

So upon our freedom and Jordan gaining his visa(it took five minutes once it was our turn) we are locked out of our hotel room, tell them we need another night because haha no way we're traveling after feeling like we'd both been run over by a truck. We acquire our room for another night and learn out first night was free, re: fire. So awesome.

But then we have to get new train tickets which... isn't so bad. It's that or leaving at 4pm and it was already almost three and we both look like death warmed over and we both were limping. Jordan's back and my left foot.

So last night was the first night we got to relax and we did so by sitting in the bed and both dicking around online we also watched a bunch of Botchmanina because nothing is funnier than seeing pro wrestlers screw up.

Tuesday
The alarm goes off around 9am. Our hotel alarm is very polite, much like the fire alarm. It's like it's saying, "Excuse me.... Excuse me.... get up, please... Excuse me...'

We eat Timmy's duoghnuts and carry on our adventure.

We get on our train without incident and are currently still on it and nearing Toronto so we can switch trains and go back to London.

I have this undying urge to understand the motives of the people around me and why they do what they do. I even want to know why someone who is mean and hateful to me. I've been like since I was 4. That's when I first asked my mom why my teacher was mean to me. I wanted to know why she acted like I was moron and why she thought so little of me.
I found out. She did not believe in learning disabilities, she also believed there was only one right way to do things and that was her way. At age 4, I was never good at thinking inside box. I thought the box was boring. I found out later what her complaints about me to my mother were. She was angry I couldn't remember my phone number(we just moved there a week before. I did, however, know my address.). She was upset that when we were all sitting on the floor I would fidget and sometimes lay on my belly and prop my head up on my hands. She got upset that I put circle eyes on my paper pumpkin and not triangle. She would get upset when I sometimes used my left hand to write my name instead of my right. You know, I really wish I was making this up. I spent that year coming home crying. Not because of other children... Other kids liked me. I was the kid everyone went to. I was the one who stepped in between bullies and their prey.
I was already seeing a psychologist at that age because my mom wanted to be sure I understood that I was not the reason my parents got a divorce. Having a professional third party telling me the same thing she'd been telling me since day one. It's true, my parents did not get divorced because of me. They got divorced for reasons I won't talk about here. Let's just say my dad had some problems needed to deal with that he couldn't if he was married.
This brings me back to wanting to understand why people do things. It's a small comfort to me. Especially if realize that what someone is doing isn't because of hate or it isn't because they'd a bad person. Especially if they don't even realize they're doing it. The core thing about all people is they almost always think they're doing the right thing. And some people, after being shown they were wrong... they can't go back, especially in cases of shame, guilt and ego. Most people don't like being told the're wrong about big things.
We will often do the worst acts of our lives due to ego, guilt or the worse of all... revenge. Even petty revenge. "Oh this girl kicked my chair. She's mean. I'm going to kick her chair right out from under her. That'll teach her." Then later we find out that girl tripped. Or worse yet, tripped because she gets nervous around people she likes and you're the one she likes. She was trying to get the courage to talk to you because she thinks you're awesome. In finding all that out, most people find apologies are hard. Or they can't find a way to make it sound sincere. Their own doubts weigh in.
Sometimes those doubts are right. Maybe you missed your chance. The truth may hurt, but it's worth telling someone if you were at fault.
There are a few people in this world I don't get along with. I usually don't get along with them because I understand too much about them. I may understand something about their motives I cannot stomach. Usually, the people I don't get along with are ones who knowingly hurt others to make themselves feel better. It's one thing to be girl who tripped. It's another thing to go after her even after you understand it was an accident and to hold that grudge. Now, I know we're all guilty of that at some point in our lives but it's the ones who continue to do this time in again I don't tolerate.
I am more than guilty of being a mean person. I've done some shit I can't fix. I usually realize I was in the wrong after the fact. I'm getting better at avoiding this though... That's why I will sometimes suddenly pull away from somewhere for a couple days. It's usually because I can feel myself growing petty and I don't like it. So I pull back before it gets worse and if I can't pull back I tell the people I have to deal with that is going on. I tell them that everything is bothering me more than they should, even little things that shouldn't like finding onions on my hamburger when I ordered no onions. Most of the time I go FML and pick them off. When I'm swinging into that petty zone I will take the onions to mean no one cares about me. I usually catch these thoughts and go... "wait what" and realize something is wrong. When I realize something is wrong I try to get to the bottom of it. In may cases, it's just I'm an hour late in taking my meds.
I honestly have a little check list to run through when I start to feel that way.

1-Check the time. Did you take your meds?
2-Have you eaten? Did you have enough carbs? Did you eat more than one meal?
3-Have you drank anything? Is you blood pressure crashing?
4-Have you gotten enough sunlight? Where is your sunlamp?
5-Have you talked to anyone today? In person or on the phone?

*-Is something else bothering you?

Usually I get it resolved before the end of the list. That last question though, is one I sometimes ask first... then run through the list, then I ask it again. If * is still true, I deal with it. I talk to someone or vent about whatever the hell it is. Lately, I've had a lot bothering me as my last post can attest.

Yesterday, I suddenly got really bad. Everything bothered me and made my mood worse. Even people being happy made me unhappy. It took me a while to get out of it and I'm still not completely better. My mood is in a very fragile state. I have to ask those five questions every few hours.

Right now, there are a lot of things bothering me. A lot of things I can't do a damn thing about. I don't usually talk on the phone for two reasons... I won't shut up at whoever I'm talking to(hi, phone bill, how are you?) and when I lived at home... my sister. Crazy person did not like hearing sounds from my room.

Both those points aren't an issue now. I think... I'll bother people on the phone again.

Anyway, for now. I have to go to get more paper work done and do laundry at my mom's. I just needed to tl;dr.

Just... would like to say...

being sick sucks...

especially for me...

Because all I do is sleep...

I miss having a life...