brimsd | Entries tagged with you've probably never been shot down

How I deal with CR in RP games.

I have some very strong opinions about this and I know no everyone will ever agree with me fully. But lately I feel like I need to voice it, especially so people understand why I make the in-game choices I make. I have a couple guidelines I follow almost religiously.

In sex games and adult games, I do everything in my power to avoid getting the characters I play in closed relationships. If I can find a canon reason to avoid it I will. If I can't...? Well, honestly that character gets dropped sooner or later

I have no problem with monogamous relationships, I'm in very devoted one in RL. RP is not RL and closed relationships in-game(PSLs are different) bore the ever loving fuck out of me. Likewise limiting the character's partners to only a select few. I don't like it because of the vibes it sends to other people as well as it limits CR severely. I base this off what I would do or feel if I played potential CR for my own character. This isn't true for everyone but it is for me. I am less inclined to play against a character in a closed relationship, not because all I think about is sex but because it lacks room to grow. Now, you can argue that it still has potential, and it does.... except for one little thing related to me. I absolutely do not like to play competing for affections of someone between two characters. I have been in that situation in RL and it has never ever been fun for me(even if I "win.") I feel like absolute crap at the end. That's not to say I didn't attempt it in RP before, I have, and each time it isn't any fun for me and makes me feel like shit. So, I don't play that shit out. If it's IC for the character? Well, there's a big chance I will not keep that character if I can't handwave or find an IC way around it. There is no reason I should subject myself to something I don't like in what I do for fun.

There are exceptions, but the key is it has to be fun for me and it has to feel like I'm not locking out potential new CR.

For example, Ba'al can be picky about his partners and be very possessive. What I've done with him is played on his own insecurities to keep me out of playing a closed relationship. What I did with him is: It means more if the person comes back to him even after going to someone else. Because that says to his ego(the most important part of him) that he is something they can't get anywhere else. Ba'al likes to feel important and that makes him feel more important than forbidding them from seeing other people. Then how I deal with his possessiveness is pretty simple, if he's decided he likes someone, if that person is ever hurt or slighted by anyone for any reason, Ba'al comes down hard. Possessiveness isn't all about keeping someone to yourself after all. It can manifest in over-protective reactions to someone tripping the person he likes. As in, if you tripped his girl, he's going to end you.

Things get more difficult with someone like Michael but at them moment there is no Nikita in the game and his canon point is of a semi-break up. Ngl, I would adore to have a Nikita in-game again. I already figured out a way to deal with it when it comes along. A way he can be completely devoted to her without preventing him from branching out CR. Sex is more difficult issue which is why I made him a werewolf. As a werewolf, when it nears the full moon he has very very little control over his instincts and can be more easily worked into a sexual situation. This doesn't mean it has to happen but the option is there so I don't feel trapped. That's the point really. I don't like feeling trapped in CR. I don't like limiting myself. If I feel trapped or limited... I usually end up dropping the character.

Kadin was designed with these preferences in mind. So, when I get to play him it's no trouble for me. He may end up with a favorite person to spend time with but he's willing with everyone. Unless they've violated a few of his rules about life or are a bad Dom. Then he won't like you. People taking advantage of their submissive without consent makes him ill and resentful of the person responsible.

I know I have a very complicated view of the characters I play and their relationships. Ba'al and Kadin are the most complicated and I could break the character limit just talking about one or the other. There's a ton of little factors involved that makes every situation fluid but the bottom line is... I won't play any relationship that makes me feel cornered or like I've just cut a bunch of potential CR.

I can do and enjoy devoted monogamous relationships but I'd keep those in PSLs than in a game I'm playing in. It is when there are so many other characters around and so many options I can't do it.

Likewise I don't like sticking to my canonmates. I will avoid letting my character move in with his canonmates if I can avoid it. Obviously, if they have a bff i'm cool with it but if there's a big cluster of canonmates living together in an apartment or something, I avoid it. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy canonmates when I get them but if we're in a panfandom game... I don't want us all clustered together in one place. I have no problem with a small handful living together but if 90% of my cast all lives in the same house I find a reason for mine to live somewhere else(which isn't hard, most of mine don't like crowds unless they're clones).

One of the key things with that is if I'm in a panfandom game, I did not app for a cast. Period. I don't join games for casts. I used to and it always let me down. So I join for the game. If I like the game I stay. If there is a cast, awesome, but I refuse to let them be my entire CR. Again, I would love to have full casts... but I'm not kidding myself here. I want casts who don't depend on me for all their CR because I can't do that, I'll go out of my way to have my character to encourage your character to meet others(Or in the case of Ba'al, manipulate you into interactions outside the cast.). But if all you want to do is play with me... a PSL would be a better idea. In-game I can guarantee that I will let you down because I seek out CR outside my cast so I can't spend all my time only with my cast. The bigger the cast is, the more I push for outside CR for my character.

so, that's... pretty much everything I felt like talking about.

And then we're right back where we started.

Things got worse after my last little post. I experienced four mental breakdowns in the course of two days. Seven if we count the times I threw the phone across the room, the PS3 controller across the room and when I almost tossed my laptop across the yard. Protip, I don't usually throw things, ever.

Because the method of recovery I use, I feel the need to explain.

First of all, the cause of this most recent crazy deals entirely in the land of real life. It was triggered by the date. I have been officially unemployed for a full year. Add other stresses contributed and it did not end well.

Key point here, I'm recovering from this mess. Downside of this is how I often need to recover. See, in my current state, I experience what I like to call one way empathy. Other people's happiness makes me sad, other people's misfortune makes me sad. I literally can't win. On that same note, my self esteem and ego does some crazy shit. I will believe I am worth something and what I do is great BUT I also believe no one else thinks that. That no one likes anything I do no matter how great I think it is. No matter how aware I am that this isn't true, I have a hard time believing it. I seriously feel like the kid picked last on the playground. For everything. I know none of it rational but the feeling is still there.

The troublesome thing about this, these feelings will extend themselves to RP and online friends. To keep myself from doing something stupid while I'm still in this relativity fragile state, I take a step back from everything. Especially places like plurk. These feelings are especially dangerous there because I find myself incapable of being happy for anyone. Instead I feel bad because I'm not happy and I feel left out. And as I said, on the flip side, I can still feel sad for other people! So I'm screwed no matter what I do. What is also frustrating is when I feel left out when I'm like this I honestly don't know if it's true or not. No matter how rationally I look at it, I can't tell. So, this brings me back to stepping back. If don't, these feelings will fester and I will get worse. I may also cause damage to friendships because I suddenly won't feel appreciated or I feel like I have to compete for attention. Both things make me really snippy that can lead me to say some very mean things.

I also realize I don't need to explain why I need to disappear from social networking sites for a few days. But this is partly for me. Explaining it and laying it all out for everyone to see and understand helps me. I also believe it helps prevent misunderstandings about what I do or don't feel.

I don't know how long I'll be stepping back. Maybe just another day or two, maybe a week. I don't know. I will probably still RP in this time but only a few threads that don't have any negative effect on my stupidly fragile mood. It's kind of hard to say which ones they'll be. As it stands I can be inspired for something but emotionally be unable to follow through because it will inexplicably make me feel bad (seriously, this makes no sense but it happens.). Meanwhile the one thread I might be able to tag is something horrible like a (non-sexy)torture scene or something. I really don't know until I try. It's pretty obvious when I find one that works because I'll tag really fast. I usually have better luck with PSLs when I'm like this but I sadly don't have any fucking ideas who to play with or what kind or scene to do.

Anyway, moving back to my not so awesome emotional state. Just because I'm feeling these negative emotions about everything doesn't mean I hate anyone. I hate that I'm feeling the way I do. I hate that I know there's nothing I can do but wait for it to go away.

I'd also like to put forth a warning. I may not be fun to talk to right now. So if you see me online and IM me... uh, I apologize in advance. I know I won't be biting peoples heads off(at least I hope not) but... yeah. Not the life of the party but at the same time I feel bad if I don't talk to anyone. I mean, my god, what the hell brain.

So, let's review the crazy...

Breakdowns, depression, recovering slowly, having trouble with the happy, only RPing a little, will take time, IM at your own risk.

I guess, we'll see how long this lasts and if I need hiatus time or not. I'm hoping the mere act of writing this will make me be back to normalish within like a day. I usually feel better after these things but this one was also a bad one so it may take longer despite this.

I guess we'll see.

As some of you may already know. Mental problems run in my family. I suspect they run in everyone's family to an extent. Primarily, we have clinical depression that can quickly progress into far worse situations. I don't always talk about how bad it can be and with my own situation I have multiple factors involved related to my mental health. Age 4 until I was 13, I was deathly afraid of school. Not afraid of other kids or bullies. No, I was afraid of teachers. I was verbally abused and told I was stupid and lazy. I was not a depressed child until I entered school. This was... terrible for me because I am a history nerd, I like science, I even like math. I like learning.

Recently, there have been some job openings in our local school systems. These jobs are teacher aides, reading aides, aides to help kids with learning problems. Basically, helping the kids I used to be.

I couldn't apply to any of them.

The mere thought I would be placed back into the system. As much as I know I can help these kids... I just can't work within that system again. I know what it would do to me. I am not in a good mental condition to deal with that. When I was in school I had to devote more time fighting with the school system than I did studying. I seriously had to fight every year. I had teachers that refused to accommodate anything under the guise of 'it's not fair to the other children.'

This aversion to working in the school system didn't become apparent to me until I saw those jobs. I need work but the moment I even think about applying to those... old panic responses start to rise up. That same feeling of trying to move a boulder with a toothpick. It would be a job that would go home with me and... I can't do that. Not again.

I... really wish I could. Maybe I will in the future but I just... can't do it. Even just writing this I started crying. Not all out balling but tears are running. I don't like this sudden realization that I'm still terrified of something I thought I put behind me.

This is not my only journal. I have two others. One, is strictly IRL friends, family and my very first fandom. I've had that journal since 2003. No, I won't tell you what it's called. Journal number two is strictly a fandom journal that I use to track various fandom comms on LJ. I also use it to comment in those fandom comms. I also use it to track my other role play characters... yes, I have others. No, they aren't listed here. No, I won't tell you the name of that journal either.

That brings us to journal number three. Technically speaking, it's a sock. Sort of. I find myself actively using this journal more than the other two. Why I created

brimsd is very simple. I wanted to join a sex rp. It's not that I'm bashful about my kinks, I'm really not. It has nothing to do with wank. Most people don't know who I am even when I'm logged in to my other two journals.

It has everything to do with stalkers. Yes, stalkers.

Long ago, before I RPed on LJ. I joined a sex rp. I enjoyed it there, I had fun there. There was one painful downside... apparently, I was good at what I did. I played a male Dom. Good Doms are hard to find. I started getting recommended by word-of-mouth to people I didn't know. People I didn't care to know. Strangers began to message me, asking for sex. Which isn't bad except for one thing, four messages a day. A day. None of these people were terribly good RPers either, they were the most unimaginative cold fish I have ever encountered.
To avoid being bothered every time I logged in, I put a notice in my profile stating that I would not respond to OOC offers. Because seriously? It started to get old. I didn't get to actually RP, everyone wanted to talk to me OOC. The character I played allowed for IC offers.
He was the type of guy, you could walk up to, tell him your dirtiest kinks... and he would smile and ask how he could help you with that. He liked to find out what turned people on and he liked talking to people.
Long story short. People began to bother me in my personal journal, my personal website, my personal everything, asking for sex. Like I was some magical sex god who was the only one who could Dom them right. I don't respond well to ego stroking or ass kissing.

All of that? While annoying, I usually can deal with. This journal is to keep people out of my personal business but still allow them to get to know me.

What I cannot tolerate, what I do not tolerate, is one thing... do not proclaim your undying love for me because our characters banged. Once. Saying it in jest is one thing, but saying you honestly, really, really do love me IRL... is enough to make me want to shoot you in the face with buckshot made of knives.

Look, it's great you enjoyed our sex scene together. But that doesn't mean I like you OOC, it means I like your character. Assuming I have the same emotions as my character is enough to make me want to hunt you down, and rip out your throat with my teeth.

So... in closing.

This journal is here because I was harassed by jackasses who thought because my character boned them once, that they were now entitled to all my time. This happened more than once. Five times. Five times. And countless numbers of times I slammed them down into the pavement before they got any ideas. But five people didn't understand the word "No."

I can rant forever about that place. I really can, I was there six years. I still sometimes go back to have fun with a few good friends.

Also, I used to play a female Dom too. I didn't keep her long because of similar harassment reasons. Oh, yes, and this one guy who was convinced she was secretly a sub. He never would leave me the fuck alone until I blocked his ass.

Anyway, that's the reasoning behind the journal. Preventing harassment before it starts and keeping it contained. There are a precious few who can easily figure out the names of my other two journals. But that requires that you actually know me. I'm not hiding from my friends, I'm hiding from the idiots.

My friends can follow the trail of breadcrumbs and figure it out. And if you can't? No big deal. My other journals aren't that interesting. They're a lot like this one.

...My current music is absurdly fitting for this topic.

Current Mood: aggravated
Current Location: SGC
Current Music: Halestorm - It's Not You