brimsd | Entries tagged with ...a few good friends

How I deal with CR in RP games.

I have some very strong opinions about this and I know no everyone will ever agree with me fully. But lately I feel like I need to voice it, especially so people understand why I make the in-game choices I make. I have a couple guidelines I follow almost religiously.

In sex games and adult games, I do everything in my power to avoid getting the characters I play in closed relationships. If I can find a canon reason to avoid it I will. If I can't...? Well, honestly that character gets dropped sooner or later

I have no problem with monogamous relationships, I'm in very devoted one in RL. RP is not RL and closed relationships in-game(PSLs are different) bore the ever loving fuck out of me. Likewise limiting the character's partners to only a select few. I don't like it because of the vibes it sends to other people as well as it limits CR severely. I base this off what I would do or feel if I played potential CR for my own character. This isn't true for everyone but it is for me. I am less inclined to play against a character in a closed relationship, not because all I think about is sex but because it lacks room to grow. Now, you can argue that it still has potential, and it does.... except for one little thing related to me. I absolutely do not like to play competing for affections of someone between two characters. I have been in that situation in RL and it has never ever been fun for me(even if I "win.") I feel like absolute crap at the end. That's not to say I didn't attempt it in RP before, I have, and each time it isn't any fun for me and makes me feel like shit. So, I don't play that shit out. If it's IC for the character? Well, there's a big chance I will not keep that character if I can't handwave or find an IC way around it. There is no reason I should subject myself to something I don't like in what I do for fun.

There are exceptions, but the key is it has to be fun for me and it has to feel like I'm not locking out potential new CR.

For example, Ba'al can be picky about his partners and be very possessive. What I've done with him is played on his own insecurities to keep me out of playing a closed relationship. What I did with him is: It means more if the person comes back to him even after going to someone else. Because that says to his ego(the most important part of him) that he is something they can't get anywhere else. Ba'al likes to feel important and that makes him feel more important than forbidding them from seeing other people. Then how I deal with his possessiveness is pretty simple, if he's decided he likes someone, if that person is ever hurt or slighted by anyone for any reason, Ba'al comes down hard. Possessiveness isn't all about keeping someone to yourself after all. It can manifest in over-protective reactions to someone tripping the person he likes. As in, if you tripped his girl, he's going to end you.

Things get more difficult with someone like Michael but at them moment there is no Nikita in the game and his canon point is of a semi-break up. Ngl, I would adore to have a Nikita in-game again. I already figured out a way to deal with it when it comes along. A way he can be completely devoted to her without preventing him from branching out CR. Sex is more difficult issue which is why I made him a werewolf. As a werewolf, when it nears the full moon he has very very little control over his instincts and can be more easily worked into a sexual situation. This doesn't mean it has to happen but the option is there so I don't feel trapped. That's the point really. I don't like feeling trapped in CR. I don't like limiting myself. If I feel trapped or limited... I usually end up dropping the character.

Kadin was designed with these preferences in mind. So, when I get to play him it's no trouble for me. He may end up with a favorite person to spend time with but he's willing with everyone. Unless they've violated a few of his rules about life or are a bad Dom. Then he won't like you. People taking advantage of their submissive without consent makes him ill and resentful of the person responsible.

I know I have a very complicated view of the characters I play and their relationships. Ba'al and Kadin are the most complicated and I could break the character limit just talking about one or the other. There's a ton of little factors involved that makes every situation fluid but the bottom line is... I won't play any relationship that makes me feel cornered or like I've just cut a bunch of potential CR.

I can do and enjoy devoted monogamous relationships but I'd keep those in PSLs than in a game I'm playing in. It is when there are so many other characters around and so many options I can't do it.

Likewise I don't like sticking to my canonmates. I will avoid letting my character move in with his canonmates if I can avoid it. Obviously, if they have a bff i'm cool with it but if there's a big cluster of canonmates living together in an apartment or something, I avoid it. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy canonmates when I get them but if we're in a panfandom game... I don't want us all clustered together in one place. I have no problem with a small handful living together but if 90% of my cast all lives in the same house I find a reason for mine to live somewhere else(which isn't hard, most of mine don't like crowds unless they're clones).

One of the key things with that is if I'm in a panfandom game, I did not app for a cast. Period. I don't join games for casts. I used to and it always let me down. So I join for the game. If I like the game I stay. If there is a cast, awesome, but I refuse to let them be my entire CR. Again, I would love to have full casts... but I'm not kidding myself here. I want casts who don't depend on me for all their CR because I can't do that, I'll go out of my way to have my character to encourage your character to meet others(Or in the case of Ba'al, manipulate you into interactions outside the cast.). But if all you want to do is play with me... a PSL would be a better idea. In-game I can guarantee that I will let you down because I seek out CR outside my cast so I can't spend all my time only with my cast. The bigger the cast is, the more I push for outside CR for my character.

so, that's... pretty much everything I felt like talking about.

I have this undying urge to understand the motives of the people around me and why they do what they do. I even want to know why someone who is mean and hateful to me. I've been like since I was 4. That's when I first asked my mom why my teacher was mean to me. I wanted to know why she acted like I was moron and why she thought so little of me.
I found out. She did not believe in learning disabilities, she also believed there was only one right way to do things and that was her way. At age 4, I was never good at thinking inside box. I thought the box was boring. I found out later what her complaints about me to my mother were. She was angry I couldn't remember my phone number(we just moved there a week before. I did, however, know my address.). She was upset that when we were all sitting on the floor I would fidget and sometimes lay on my belly and prop my head up on my hands. She got upset that I put circle eyes on my paper pumpkin and not triangle. She would get upset when I sometimes used my left hand to write my name instead of my right. You know, I really wish I was making this up. I spent that year coming home crying. Not because of other children... Other kids liked me. I was the kid everyone went to. I was the one who stepped in between bullies and their prey.
I was already seeing a psychologist at that age because my mom wanted to be sure I understood that I was not the reason my parents got a divorce. Having a professional third party telling me the same thing she'd been telling me since day one. It's true, my parents did not get divorced because of me. They got divorced for reasons I won't talk about here. Let's just say my dad had some problems needed to deal with that he couldn't if he was married.
This brings me back to wanting to understand why people do things. It's a small comfort to me. Especially if realize that what someone is doing isn't because of hate or it isn't because they'd a bad person. Especially if they don't even realize they're doing it. The core thing about all people is they almost always think they're doing the right thing. And some people, after being shown they were wrong... they can't go back, especially in cases of shame, guilt and ego. Most people don't like being told the're wrong about big things.
We will often do the worst acts of our lives due to ego, guilt or the worse of all... revenge. Even petty revenge. "Oh this girl kicked my chair. She's mean. I'm going to kick her chair right out from under her. That'll teach her." Then later we find out that girl tripped. Or worse yet, tripped because she gets nervous around people she likes and you're the one she likes. She was trying to get the courage to talk to you because she thinks you're awesome. In finding all that out, most people find apologies are hard. Or they can't find a way to make it sound sincere. Their own doubts weigh in.
Sometimes those doubts are right. Maybe you missed your chance. The truth may hurt, but it's worth telling someone if you were at fault.
There are a few people in this world I don't get along with. I usually don't get along with them because I understand too much about them. I may understand something about their motives I cannot stomach. Usually, the people I don't get along with are ones who knowingly hurt others to make themselves feel better. It's one thing to be girl who tripped. It's another thing to go after her even after you understand it was an accident and to hold that grudge. Now, I know we're all guilty of that at some point in our lives but it's the ones who continue to do this time in again I don't tolerate.
I am more than guilty of being a mean person. I've done some shit I can't fix. I usually realize I was in the wrong after the fact. I'm getting better at avoiding this though... That's why I will sometimes suddenly pull away from somewhere for a couple days. It's usually because I can feel myself growing petty and I don't like it. So I pull back before it gets worse and if I can't pull back I tell the people I have to deal with that is going on. I tell them that everything is bothering me more than they should, even little things that shouldn't like finding onions on my hamburger when I ordered no onions. Most of the time I go FML and pick them off. When I'm swinging into that petty zone I will take the onions to mean no one cares about me. I usually catch these thoughts and go... "wait what" and realize something is wrong. When I realize something is wrong I try to get to the bottom of it. In may cases, it's just I'm an hour late in taking my meds.
I honestly have a little check list to run through when I start to feel that way.

1-Check the time. Did you take your meds?
2-Have you eaten? Did you have enough carbs? Did you eat more than one meal?
3-Have you drank anything? Is you blood pressure crashing?
4-Have you gotten enough sunlight? Where is your sunlamp?
5-Have you talked to anyone today? In person or on the phone?

*-Is something else bothering you?

Usually I get it resolved before the end of the list. That last question though, is one I sometimes ask first... then run through the list, then I ask it again. If * is still true, I deal with it. I talk to someone or vent about whatever the hell it is. Lately, I've had a lot bothering me as my last post can attest.

Yesterday, I suddenly got really bad. Everything bothered me and made my mood worse. Even people being happy made me unhappy. It took me a while to get out of it and I'm still not completely better. My mood is in a very fragile state. I have to ask those five questions every few hours.

Right now, there are a lot of things bothering me. A lot of things I can't do a damn thing about. I don't usually talk on the phone for two reasons... I won't shut up at whoever I'm talking to(hi, phone bill, how are you?) and when I lived at home... my sister. Crazy person did not like hearing sounds from my room.

Both those points aren't an issue now. I think... I'll bother people on the phone again.

Anyway, for now. I have to go to get more paper work done and do laundry at my mom's. I just needed to tl;dr.